Photo by Adam Foster
When I read about blogs focusing on marriage, I kinda feel guilty. Because my husband and I don’t “work” on our marriage like we’re supposed to, at least according to the experts. Take date nights for starters.
See, my husband and I haven’t had a date night in 20 months. We went out for his birthday a few months ago during the day when we left little munchkins with grandma and aunties and nephew who were eager to dote on her for a couple of hours. And that was about it.
We talk of one day finding a sitter, and one evening venturing out just the two of us, like we used to. We talk of what we did before we had a baby and laugh about how absurdly easy everything was back then.
But we are content. We like how things are, and are grateful for our growing little family.
Maybe Date Nights Are Overrated
So I’m thinking that maybe there is so much hype about marriage because we all know that half of us will end in divorce. We want to be the marriage that makes it all the way through. And so we read every book out there on how to save our marriage before it starts. Or we make sure we know what every woman needs to know about men. And so on. I know. I’ve been there. Done that.
But what if marriage was not all that complicated? Kathleen’s post at ProjectM Online got me thinking about this. What if we don’t need to always have a date night (especially in this kind of season a.k.a. having a wee little one) to improve our marriage? What if we don’t need to attend any seminars on how to make our marriage work, ever?
Simplifying Marriage
Marriage is simply a joining of two separate lives into one. My husband and I promise to share everything we have together. Our joys, our sorrows, our stuff, our money, our debt, our space, our dreams, our insecurities, our strengths, our wounds, our gifts, our bodies, our souls. Every day, of every week, of every month, of every year that we are alive. What else is there to it but that?
And perhaps it is in that sharing so extravagantly in such an everyday way that trips us all. Because we are all a little bit more selfish than we’d like to admit. We are given an opportunity to be less about ourselves and more about others, through our spouse daily (and of course children, but this post is about marriage.)
The Small Things
So I say, focus on the small things that you can share with your spouse. The everyday things. Because they all add up. And because, well, that’s what life is about: the everyday small things.
So here are some of the small things I can think of:
- Stories. Listen about his day at work. Ask questions. Tell your adventures, no matter how small.
- Food. Eat together. At least once a day. You don’t need to go out on a fancy date. Just whip up your favorite food once a week and indulge.
- Space. I mean, give space. Embrace the space between the two of you. Let go of fears, of all that you need to “work” on. Pray.
- Dreams. Share your personal goals. Hopes. Cheer him on with his.
- Sex. Yes, I said it. Sex. Whenever you can. It’s good for you both. (I need to blog about this topic soon because there are some stuff brewing on my head about this, and why we moms don’t talk about it so much.)
- Affection. Just hold hands. Kiss every morning. Hug lots. Touch his face. Look in his eyes. It doesn’t have to be PDA, just genuine.
- Hobbies. Pick one or two hobbies that you can do together on a regular basis. This is hard for us, because we are both strong introverts, but we both enjoy walking and traveling.
- Memories. Think back often on when you were just dating. Or just think back five years ago. Or the funny moments. Talk about it and have a laugh,
- Grace. Withhold judgement. Remember all the ways you desperately need grace in your life. Share that need with your spouse everyday.
What do you think? Do you have more ideas to add? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Vina, you have expressed a lot of my own thoughts and feelings here. It’s good to hear I’m not alone!
I often — nay, CONSTANTLY — wonder if all these marriage tips and books and blogs that offer advice really are necessary. Do they really help us? Do we really need to apply those “seven steps to a successful marriage,” or should we just work at being less selfish and more giving in general, as you suggest?
I recently read a statistic which said that couples who go to marriage counseling don’t generally have much better luck in their marriages. It has really made me think.
I also really struggle with the fact that these books/blogs etc. make us feel guilty for not working harder at our marriages. You have felt it too, it seems. I wonder if we really need to be pressured to strive for better when what we have is already pretty good.
Thanks for writing about this. I’m interested to hear what others think!
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What a great list of small things to work on. I think they can have big results—especially when woven into the day-to-day rhythms of life.
I’m also a fan of date night, though—don’t completely give up on it! Going out to dinner with my husband gives us an opportunity to truly focus on one another.
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Kathleen, thanks for the thoughts! I also feel a bit alone thinking this way too… I think I heard those statistics too (about couples who go to counseling)…I’m glad you started the discussion in your blog, and I want to keep delving into this, because I suspect the added pressure compounds the unrealistic expectations people have when entering marriage…I’m all about making things simple!
Kristin, thanks for the encouragement about the date nights! We have it on our wishlist for now…our style of parenting doesn’t make it easy to leave our little toddler by herself at night…just yet. I love how you tied the small things to the daily rhythms of life…my thoughts exactly.
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Thank you for this blog, Vina. Not that I need any validation from the conventional experts about how fabulously healthy our marriage is, it is so refreshing to hear your views on nourishing marriage in a matter of simplicity. C & I don’t have date nights either (I guess we don’t have kids yet so maybe that doesn’t count). But we treasure our simple time together…sitting on a couch watching TV…and I’m holding onto his foot. Of course we still need to work on having grace for one another in many facets of our lives, but we just enjoy being around each other…and that counts for a lot.
One of the sweetest things C has said to me was, “I don’t just love you. I like you too.” The feeling is mutual.
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Vina Barham Reply:
April 9th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Bao – I like C’s quote.
AndThanks for affirming that non-date night couples rock too! 
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I think you got it right with the small things that count, Vina! It’s sad though that these books & marriage seminars can somehow make people feel guilty. I think that’s how I felt with parenting books (lol!).
I think what matters is the principle behind the points made. So, if they’re talking about date night – I wouldn’t take it literally. I’d do what works for me. The principle behind that is to make time with each other count. It’s easy to let the busyness of life consume us that we get used to it & before we know it, husband & wife has grown apart. Stay connected & nurture each other – especially in ‘the small things that count’.
It’s great if couples can make it as simple as possible. I know most of us have a lot of baggage when we enter into a relationship so it can get really complicated. Like for me personally – my parents had a horrible marriage. I saw them create monsters out of each other over the years & at times almost kill each other in front of us. I knew that there was a huge chance that I would ruin my own marriage because of what I grew up with.
The books I read on marriage personally helped me tremendously. I was so hungry for it & had a lot of ‘aha’ moments. Although I didn’t keep it with me like a guide book – I read it & allowed it to open my eyes to a good perspective of what a good marriage should look like. It transformed my way of thinking about myself & how I should relate to my spouse. Even if I had read those books over a decade or 2 ago, I could honestly say that I can give a lot of credit to them for the success of our marriage in the last 20 years. I didn’t follow everything it said but allowed it to open up my heart & mind.
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The idea that we ‘had’ to go on dates in order to have a thriving marriage always annoyed us. We didn’t enjoy dates – leaving our kids at home- so we found other ways to connect which satisfied us and felt more in line with our parenting style. Now, our kids are (almost)five, ten and (almost) fourteen and we do go out on dates and enjoy this season of life too. It feels good and comfortable. We ‘work’ on our marriage just as we work on ourselves over the years – wanting to become more gentle, kind, selfless, whatever. There are no perfect ‘seven steps’ to follow.
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