Photo By Torbein
As I think about how to write for this particular post, I go back and forth between feelings of supreme-close attachment with my daughter who I’ve slept next to almost every night since she was born, and thinking to myself this-is-really-hard-i-wonder-if-i’ll-do-it-all-over-again-if-i-had-to type of thoughts. Sigh. This is very typical of our parenting adventures, no? The push and pull of the wonderful ways we grow as parents and the rigorous means by which we do.
For those of you who are contemplating whether or not this is the road for you, know that I can only offer my perspective and experience. I’m not here to convince you that this is right for you. Because how the heck do I know that? And for those of you who have already gone down this road (or a different one), well then. This one is to celebrate this underrated journey of co-sleeping. Here’s to the sleepless nights and the wonders of night-time parenting. But first:
I didn’t even realize after I had published my post that Fox6 News recently aired a story on bedsharing: Is Sharing A Bed With Your Infant Right Or Wrong? (Thanks PhD in Parenting for the heads up!) And I’ll have to say that I’ll have to address these issues on part 2 tomorrow.)
How I Found My Parenting Philosophy (Or Rather How My Parenting Philosophy Found Me)
When I was an expectant mama, I had so many ideas of what kind of parent I wanted to be. I read books, many many books, hoping to find the “best parenting” practices that resonated deep in my soul. One of the very first books I read was Babywise and the premise of a parent-led household versus a child-led household spoke to my desires of becoming a firm and authoritative parent. It was recommended to me by people I respected, and so I made mental notes of what I was going to do when our baby arrives. I read many other books too, and each one I filed into my mental inbox for whatever it is that provided tips on how to become the parent I want to be.
And then our beautiful daughter was born. Quickly thereafter, I discovered that I had better declutter my mental inbox of all those tips and images of the perfect parent I had put together in my mind. Especially in the area of sleep. Because it was not going to happen. Babywise may “work” for others, but it was not going to fly in this household. And although at that time, it felt like I was choosing the family bed because I couldn’t stomach the idea of letting my baby cry, now I know that it somewhat had chosen me way long before I decided. Because ultimately, the choices we make simply reflect who we already are as a people, and not necessarily who we want to be, although they may not turn out exclusive of each other. My approach to life determined (and is continuing to determine) my choices then as a new mom, and now as I continue to learn this motherhood gig. And the knowledge is somewhat freeing. We can relax a little bit when it comes to parenting, because the answers that are true for us will come to us one way or another. The key is to know who we are, how uniquely we are designed to live out a distinct aspect of Life that bears a glimpse of our Maker.
Photo Credit
The Developmental Aspect of Sleep and The Misunderstood Cry -It-Out Method
Dr. Ferber is notoriously (and wrongly) associated with what is well-know as the Cry-It-Out (CIO) method of sleep training. I don’t know how he got such a bad rap, but when I read his book, “Solving Your Child’s Sleeping Problems,” I actually pictured him as this soft and gentle Grandpa who wants nothing more than an entire family getting a good night’s sleep. He can’t be faulted for some of his advice given his (1) medical background, (2) male perspective and (3) cultural (Western) conditioning.
One of the obscure lines in the book, reads something like this “If you don’t sleep train your child, they will eventually learn to sleep on their own but it may take a couple or more years.” (I’d have to find the actual quote, but it’s there I promise!) But because many of us (from the West) are not able to deal with the harsh implications of this developmental aspect of sleep (which I’ll discuss more in the next section), Ferber and many other sleep-training experts try to figure out as best as they could, creative ways to help us cope. Bless their hearts.
What most people don’t know is that he actually doesn’t advocate letting the baby cry it out. The key to sleep training is gradually teaching the baby to sleep unassisted. Which unfortunately will involve tears because developmentally, they just aren’t ready. I don’t know how harmful it is to push babies beyond what they are developmentally capable to do. And as parents, we are often (unconsciously) pushing them to grow up quickly. I would say that I think they are gifted with resiliency beyond our imagination and learn to deal with it as best as they could. For some babies, they deal with it fast while some, can’t seem to deal with it at all. And it’s best that we figure out why we tend to hurry them up too soon so we can ease up a little bit and enjoy the journey instead.
Tomorrow, I’ll wrap up with Part 2: Why We Push Our Children To Grow Up Quickly and The Realities and Rewards of Cosleeping.
Let’s hear it! How do you feel about baby sleep? What’s your take on it? Feel free to tweet, link up or re-post on your blog!
I’ve co-slept with my boy since he was born. He’s now 6.5 years old. When he stays at his dad’s place for his half of the week, he has his own room/bed there, and seems to cope fine, but here with me, his preference is lying right next to me. Even if I put him in his little bed at the beginning of the night, he’ll wake up during the night and crawl into bed with me.
I love it. Sleepy morning-snuggles from my little sweetie has got to be just about the best thing in the world.
.-= Coralie´s last blog ..Clothes swap parties =-.
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Vina Barham Reply:
May 7th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Hi Coralie! Yay for sleepy morning snuggles! That too is my favorite part!!!
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I love having my babies with me for the first few months and then move them to a Pack n Play in our bedroom and then to their own room between 6 and 9 months. With homeschooling and having many young children, I have found that I NEED a break at night from my kids…a time where I can sleep so that I can have the mental/emotional energy to teach and nurture them the next day. Being chronically sleep deprived can lead to depression and burn-out (been there, done that!) So although co-sleeping in theory is wonderful to me, the practical side of it is exhausting for me and I need a boundary
.-= Aimee´s last blog ..Raising Chickens =-.
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Vina Barham Reply:
May 7th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Aimee, I can totally understand boundaries as well! I too struggled with sleep deprivation in the beginning, but it got better over time. I’d like to hear your experience with cosleeping more. Did you write about it in your blog at some point? I guess I could hop over and look!
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Thank you for posting this! Our son sleeps in his crib now, but we shared a bed until he was about 6 months old. We still bring him into bed with us in the morning to snuggle. I would never give up that time of closeness, not to mention the ease of breastfeeding and checking on your baby throughout the night (even unconsciously).
One thing that the video (and most studies) don’t mention is the number of babies who die in cribs every year. There are just many dangers to cribs if a parent doesn’t make safe choices! I think that education is the key. Those who “accidentally” cosleep (i.e. fall asleep in bed with baby) tend to have more problems.
I truly feel that many parents push their children to grow up too fast because they aren’t willing to deal with inconveniences or because of social pressure (they feel like a bad mom when they tell other moms that their child doesn’t sleep through the night.) I’m very interested to read the rest of your series and plan to repost it on my blog!
.-= Kim @ Staying Home´s last blog ..Free Diapers and Cost and Quality Analysis =-.
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Vina Barham Reply:
May 7th, 2010 at 7:30 am
Yes Kim, it’s true that many babies die in cribs every year but we hardly talk about it. It’s not sensational news, I guess. Thanks for chiming in! I value your input.
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Love this post – thanks! looking forward to tomorrows one!
.-= Jenny ´s last blog ..Nearly a year old, some disjointed musings… =-.
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No, I never blogged about it! With each child I thought “oh, we’ll co-sleep for a long time!” I thoroughly enjoy it the first few months but as the baby grows and gets bigger and the fatigue of baby-parenting kicks in (at about 6 months for me) I am just ready to get in my bed at night sans kids. Having a baby tug on me throughout the night nursing wears me down over time. Having the baby sleep on his own helps me get some deep deep sleep (b/c I sleep so light and aware when co-sleeping!) and I feel better. When the baby cries, my husband goes and gets him, puts him in bed beside me to nurse for a while and then my husband takes him back to him room when he is back to sleep. Works for us! We also just have a queen-sized bed (oh how I wish we had invested in a king!) and there have been much bigger financial needs over the years than for a new bed
Having a king might have changed my perspective.
.-= Aimee´s last blog ..Laughing =-.
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Vina Barham Reply:
May 8th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Thanks for sharing! One of my friends who tried co-sleeping was a light sleeper and it was harder for her! I can totally get the sleep I need and in the earlier months when she would wake up, I can nurse and then doze back to sleep:) Anyway, we have a queen size bed, but we’re tiny folks so it’s big enough for us.
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i get co-sleeping, and sometimes i’m even jealous of co-sleepers because of that special time mommy & baby get. . but i’m with those who choose to have baby in a crib, just because of the needed sleep and separation. my 2 littles have always been placed in their crib, from about the 2nd week of life. it works for me, and when bedtime arrives, i know they are happily (yes, happily) sleeping while i get extra cuddle time with my other big baby–my husband! i think, for us, we have to focus on our marriage first, before allowing babies in the bed. but…don’t hear me wrongly. i firmly believe co-sleeping is for some couples, and i respect it and know that it is a treasured, precious time. great post!
.-= jenny´s last blog ..reminders =-.
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Vina Barham Reply:
May 8th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Thanks for your perspective Jenny. I too have friends who have their babies sleep in cribs and I totally respect their choice. I too sometimes get jealous of the extra time non-cosleeping moms have.
But it’s great to be able to stand by our choices and allowing for others to choose their own paths. Yes?
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