This is me in China as an ESL Teacher.
I am a mother.
And I love being one. Life has become exponentially richer, transformative and downright crazy because of my little girl. She melts me and expands me and changes me every single day. Every single thing I do feels like it matters ten thousand times more. Some days it feels like a back-breaking burden. Most days, life feels lighter, softer, and way more colorful than ever.
As much as I am learning to let Motherhood Re-Define Me, I am also learning to let it not.
Because Before We Were Moms, We Are.
The ME in the Mother can get easily lost in there somewhere. It happens slowly and in unsuspecting ways. One minute we start forgetting what we look like with our hair down, and the next we stop fitting into our jeans. And in my case, I start forgetting how to hang out with those who do not have children and I stop reading anything that has nothing to do with being a mama.
Who was I before all of this? Did I know? Was I truly there? Is this person looking at me in the mirror really me?
Because honestly, I’m not so sure.
- Did I really pack my stuff into two suitcases and moved to China once upon a time?
- Did I really dance and perform in front of people without an ounce of shame, way back then?
- Did I really lead congregations to sing songs that I now am unable to sing from deep within my soul?
- Did I really make friends so easily and wore my heart on my sleeve and trusted so freely?
- Did I really dream that I would change the world and love wholeheartedly until I bled but didn’t hurt?
It’s not that motherhood took these parts of me away. They are all there, sticky parts of who I am but long forgotten. Motherhood shifts our focus and I suppose for those who choose to become stay at home moms, the shift is even more drastic, dramatic and disorienting times seven. Motherhood brings up so many personal issues, but leaves not much time nor room to unpack and examine and work on.
How in the world do I bring my child up in a faith that I don’t even know how to believe in anymore? How do I bring up my child to dream and behold and be wholeheartedly herself if I don’t have the courage to be that?
How do I make space for all those parts of me before I was a mother? How do I honor those parts without losing my focus on Mothering?
Oh This Tension. This Glorious Tension.
I don’t have answers except to say that maybe, it starts with remembering. That in as much as we are to live in the Now and be in the Moment, there is Power in Holding Sacred our Past. Because Time is an Illusion and everything is Eternal. So our Past is just as Real as Today as It is Tomorrow.
And that maybe, The Great I am whispers to us from our Yesterdays when we Remember.
P.S. I decided. No Carnivals on Wednesdays for Velveteen Mama. A little breather here. 
Write if you want on your blog about your journey on becoming yourself. You can leave a comment and you automatically get a chance to leave a link to your most recent post.
I definitely relate with this! In fact, just the other day I was thinking – I can’t believe I’ve been on so many mission’s trips to foreign countries/inner cities. I would be so scared now! Part of it is that I’m out of practice and part of it truly is that their is WAY more pressure to be physically safe now. Also, I used to go out to dance clubs and let loose more. Now it’s not worth the lost sleep. No excuses for this one – it’s just not worth it anymore! Also, Missoula, MT (where we moved to raise our family) doesn’t even have any good ones anyways. Sigh.
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 30th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Totally agree, WAY more pressure to be physically safe now! I find it hard to ride the public transportation sometimes for that reason. Sigh. And dancing? I miss those days.
Another sigh.
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This is something I have struggled with, particularly since becoming a stay-at-home mom three years ago. I think remembering is very important, you must know what you did that you loved and that made you proud of yourself, completely outside of the mother role. BUT, I also think I sometimes wallow a bit — I keep thinking of all the things I used to do that I no longer do and it sometimes really frustrates me. However, I also think it is worth remembering that it isn’t just motherhood that has occurred but also aging in general. Just like at 24 I was amazed that I could have ever done the things I did so readily at 14, at 34 my 24-year-old self sometimes seems a lifetime away. So, I think part of the challenge is to separate what truly defines “us” and is not just part of a stage in our life. Really enjoyed your post, very thought-provoking.
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 30th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Heidi! What a good point! “To separate what truly defines us” and not just part of a stage in our life. Good distinction there! Sometimes, it’s really hard to know but I guess it’s different for each of us!
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I am struggling with the tension of my career life and my mother life. I desire my mother life more. But in this desire of “motherhood” I feel I am losing me and finding me at the same time. I guess this is all part of the transformative nature of motherhood.
http://thecrunchysoup.wordpress.com/2010/10/03/authenticity/
Kristina´s last [type] ..Authenticity
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Vina Barham Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 7:05 pm
@Kristina, I love how you put it Kristina: in this desire of “motherhood” I feel I am losing me and finding me at the same time. The beauty of such paradox…Thank you for sharing!
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this article was amazing!
exactly. I feel like I’m turning into my mom whom I had a hard time respecting when I was younger because she didn’t have friends of her or seem to have a life of her own apart from me and my four siblings.
She was an amazing mom and still is, and I respect her so much, but I want still a little part of myself left.
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Vina Barham Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:18 pm
@hannah, thank you for sharing hannah. i can relate to wanting a little part of ME in the mother. it’s tough isn’t it? but i’m glad i’m not alone and hope you can join us here as we figure out how, together…
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I love this post because there are so many points we seem to share in common, including a teaching stint in China. I’m following your blog as of tonight!
Julia´s last [type] ..Recycled Coin Sorter- A Simple Way to Count Pennies
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Vina Barham Reply:
October 12th, 2010 at 8:02 pm
@Julia, so you’re a China Teacher Alum too huh? Would love to hear more of your experience!
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I have been a mother for 11 years and just recently realized that I can’t find me without being mom. I am not sure what I like that is not related to my children or family. I jut read your blog for the first time and its nice to know that I am not alone. So, now I am on a quest. I wonder what I will find!
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