(Warning: Exceptionally long post ahead.)
Wow. I can’t believe it’s been more than a month since I last wrote here. Please forgive my long absence, most especially that it came unannounced. I didn’t plan it at all, but the longer I waited to write, the harder it was to get back to.
So here I am, wondering what bits and pieces of my life and my thoughts from the past month to share with you and I’m having a super hard time deciding, as the number of abandoned draft posts can attest. None of it seems worthwhile sharing, really. Or perhaps it’s because my blogging prowess has gotten rusty (or perhaps I never had it at all to begin with?)
It’s just that, I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to offer right now. At least in the blogging world. The holidays have left me dazed and confused (with all the sugar and my introverted self having to extrovert a whole lot more than I would have liked) and I’m still kinda of in recovery. I wish I could say that it was quite a centered and peaceful month, that December, but it was far from.
First, I discovered that I have a host of digestive/gut problems and adrenal fatigue. I’m learning so much about the connection between our gut and our mental health and overall wellness. OH MY GOSH. I’ve been aware that eating real and traditional foods are best for our bodies, but I didn’t know (or have forgotten) the extent of the damage that the Standard American Diet inflicts on the whole person, mind-body-heart: autism, schizophrenia, depression, ADD, heart disease, auto-immune disorders and so much more. And then add to the mix the heavy stress and anxiety we inflict on ourselves, we run our adrenals to the ground and our body has no choice but to slowly shut down in form of extreme fatigue, insomnia, irritability, mental fogginess, forgetfulness among other things. Finally, my body and behavior make sense. I am simply burnt out from all sides. I am, spent.
I have also quite a few number of family and faith related things weighing heavily on my heart, a lot of which is better left unsaid here. Mostly because I have difficulty wrapping my mind around them and words seem to fail me at the moment. In the past, writing has helped cast some clarity on things that seem befuddled in my mind, but as of late it has not been so.
Which brings me to my main point today: I’m sort of back but I’m sort of not.
I just wanted you to know I haven’t completely abandoned this blog. I’m just quite lost in the moment and am trying to find my way back. Or perhaps I’m not lost at all and I have simply arrived somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere new, somewhere terribly exciting and frightening all at once, where I must somehow learn to shake off the dust from my worn out shoes, dwell in this seemingly God-forsaken place and discover a different kind of existence, a different way of being and believing.
That, and I’m drawn to focus this year on healing and wellness and restoration.
It sounds so selfish and yet it’s the most selfless thing I can do, really. So I can be the mother my daughter needs me to be. And the wife my husband loves coming home to. And the daughter, sister, friend and neighbor who cares again. And the writer and blogger who has something worthy of giving.
And the me, the true me, alive in Spirit-Body-Heart-Mind, imperfect and beautiful all at once.
And I don’t know how this blog fits into that quite yet. I am close to conceding that taking care of a family and a household is a full-time job on its own and here I am trying to take on awholenother job of writing and blogging and having all sorts of crazy ambition for it. How do other moms do both, work and family/parenting/homeschooling? I’m so perplexed. I am finding that I can’t do either fully but I so so so want to. The idea of being just a homemaker depresses me, even though I don’t want to give it up entirely. I want to be a writer-webpreneur-blogger-coach-counselor-homeschooling-homemade-cooking rebel kind of mom because, dang it I can, but I have to do so without killing me first.
Hmmm. No wonder I have adrenal fatigue. Go figure.
So here’s to 2011: a hopeful journey to recovery and health and wellness and LIFE.