Sort Of Back. Sort Of Not.

(Warning: Exceptionally long post ahead.)

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been more than a month since I last wrote here. Please forgive my long absence, most especially that it came unannounced. I didn’t plan it at all, but the longer I waited to write, the harder it was to get back to.

So here I am, wondering what bits and pieces of my life and my thoughts from the past month to share with you and I’m having a super hard time deciding, as the number of abandoned draft posts can attest. None of it seems worthwhile sharing, really. Or perhaps it’s because my blogging prowess has gotten rusty (or perhaps I never had it at all to begin with?)

What silliness.

It’s just that, I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to offer right now. At least in the blogging world. The holidays have left me dazed and confused (with all the sugar and my introverted self having to extrovert a whole lot more than I would have liked) and I’m still kinda of in recovery. I wish I could say that it was quite a centered and peaceful month, that December, but it was far from.

First, I discovered that I have a host of digestive/gut problems and adrenal fatigue. I’m learning so much about the connection between our gut and our mental health and overall wellness. OH MY GOSH. I’ve been aware that eating real and traditional foods are best for our bodies, but I didn’t know (or have forgotten) the extent of the damage that the Standard American Diet inflicts on the whole person, mind-body-heart: autism, schizophrenia, depression, ADD, heart disease, auto-immune disorders and so much more. And then add to the mix the heavy stress and anxiety we inflict on ourselves, we run our adrenals to the ground and our body has no choice but to slowly shut down in form of extreme fatigue, insomnia, irritability, mental fogginess, forgetfulness among other things. Finally, my body and behavior make sense. I am simply burnt out from all sides. I am, spent.

::Pause::

I have also quite a few number of family and faith related things weighing heavily on my heart, a lot of which is better left unsaid here. Mostly because I have difficulty wrapping my mind around them and words seem to fail me at the moment. In the past, writing has helped cast some clarity on things that seem befuddled in my mind, but as of late it has not been so.

Which brings me to my main point today: I’m sort of back but I’m sort of not.

I just wanted you to know I haven’t completely abandoned this blog. I’m just quite lost in the moment and am trying to find my way back. Or perhaps I’m not lost at all and I have simply arrived somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere new, somewhere terribly exciting and frightening all at once, where I must somehow learn to shake off the dust from my worn out shoes, dwell in this seemingly God-forsaken place and discover a different kind of existence, a different way of being and believing.

That, and I’m drawn to focus this year on healing and wellness and restoration.

It sounds so selfish and yet it’s the most selfless thing I can do, really. So I can be the mother my daughter needs me to be. And the wife my husband loves coming home to. And the daughter, sister, friend and neighbor who cares again. And the writer and blogger who has something worthy of giving.

And the me, the true me, alive in Spirit-Body-Heart-Mind, imperfect and beautiful all at once.

And I don’t know how this blog fits into that quite yet. I am close to conceding that taking care of a family and a household is a full-time job on its own and here I am trying to take on awholenother job of writing and blogging and having all sorts of crazy ambition for it. How do other moms do both, work and family/parenting/homeschooling? I’m so perplexed. I am finding that I can’t do either fully but I so so so want to. The idea of being just a homemaker depresses me, even though I don’t want to give it up entirely. I want to be a writer-webpreneur-blogger-coach-counselor-homeschooling-homemade-cooking rebel kind of mom because, dang it I can, but I have to do so without killing me first.

Hmmm. No wonder I have adrenal fatigue. Go figure.

So here’s to 2011: a hopeful journey to recovery and health and wellness and LIFE.

Your Fellow Sojourner,

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Comments

  1. oh sweetie!! Taking care of yourself is the most UNselfish thing you can do for our family!! You set very high standards for yourself, but at the end of the day, all anybody wants is a mommy, a wife, a friend (!) who is happy, healthy and living in God’s love, joy, peace, grace, and presence. The rest will be ashes in the end,right?

    But you know I struggle too with the “muchness”, just in a different area…hmm maybe I should be blogging MY journey. I’m a bit of a coward to lay it all bare, yet. So here’s to your bravery!! I’ll read with interest how the journey to a simpler but more “whole” life unfolds.

    love you!!
    kc

    PS one of my “folks” has/had an adrenal issue before leaving the US…if they are ok with me divulging…do you want me to put you in contact? (you may already know who I mean…)

  2. Nice work listening to your body and mind :)

  3. Vina,

    Your posts are so insightful and full of truth–thank you sharing them.

    I’m a very new blogger and already have felt a bit of burnout from wanting to do it all in my “real” life and my online life in the last few months. Like you, I’ve felt the need to step back and evaluate my recent choices in how I spend my time and energy because things were definitely getting out of whack! I have to remind myself with great regularity that pacing is necessary and healthy, and that the time will come for each of my pursuits in due measure.

    Take care,
    Erin

  4. hi vina,

    it’s been so long since i’ve seen or talked with you, but just wanted to tell you that i have actually linked to several of your blog posts from facebook over the past few months. you are a very gifted writer, vina. truly.

    bless you, friend.
    with love,
    lauren

  5. Vina, Who said we come to your blog because of your profound wisdom? Just kidding! :) Seriously, though, what I am drawn to is your ability to write from who you are–ideals, “shortcomings,” and all the in-betweens. It’s your courage to write posts…just like this. Anyway, welcome back. Even if it’s in a “sort-of” way. :)
    Courtney´s last blog post ..Shes HERE!

  6. Boy do I hear you! I feel very similarly about the challenges (impossibility?) of both raising/managing a family AND blogging the way I’d like. It is hard — I have so many expectations for myself on both fronts!

    I am wishing you much luck on finding your path to health, as well as walking the line you’d like through parenting and writing.
    Kristin @ Intrepid Murmurings´s last blog post ..Playing around with Unifix Cubes

  7. Vina Barham says:

    @KathyC, Kathy! I miss you! :) Oh you know me so well. Yes, I do tend to set very high standards for myself…grrrrr…but yes…good reminder…ashes indeed. It would be cool if you blogged about YOUR journey. :) much love, Vina…(oh sure, if they are ok with me knowing…i think i know who you are talking about…thanks kathy!)

  8. Vina Barham says:

    @Christa, finally! actually, i still go back and forth sometimes, but thanks for the encouragement!

  9. Vina Barham says:

    @Erin, Oh Erin, thank you for your kind words. I love the beautiful things you share on your blog…so much creative inspiration there! yes, pacing indeed is necessary and healthy..it’s just hard to know how and what to pace sometimes! thanks for sharing! best,vina

  10. Vina Barham says:

    @lauren, Oh dear lauren, indeed it has been awhile! i’m SO SO SO glad to hear from you. I had no idea you read my blog! will have to get together soon!!! love, vina

  11. Vina Barham says:

    @Courtney, What? You mean I am not the sage of a mama blogger that I thought I was? :) Haha. Thanks for the warm welcome and for staying around. You always have a word of encouragement that is like water to the parched. Thanks. :)

  12. Vina Barham says:

    @Kristin @ Intrepid Murmurings, so glad i’m not alone! :) thanks for the well wishes and all the best to you too as you find your way.

  13. Wow I understand. I just wrote about the fatigue of perfection on my blog too…glad to see you are back…sort-of. :-)
    Kristina´s last blog post ..Free Hand Washing Timers

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