Most Glammed Up Version Of Me Since Motherhood
Motherhood and Sexuality. Two words I don’t often hear and read about in the same sentence. (Maybe I just don’t hang around in the right circles? Well, that’s about to change.) The irony is, most of us become mothers because of well, sex.
But it seems like it’s the last thing we talk about. Which I’m here to change, or at least add to the growing voices of brave women who go there. And go there I will.
Because I’m discovering what I’ve long known but never quite understood:
That sexuality is so central to a woman’s well-being.
Now if you grew up in a church like mine, or any religious circle that unwittingly relies heavily on patriarchal dogma, you probably believed that exploring your own sexuality and embracing your capacity for pleasure has nothing to do with spirituality.
And if it does, if it has anything to do with spirituality, it’s almost always in the negative form. That or we just gloss over the sexuality and the pleasure part and point to their purpose culminating in procreation. And in so doing, we end up often enshrining motherhood and totally dethroning whatever is left of the woman.
A.Big.Fat.Mistake.
If we truly want to come back to wholeness, to the True Essence of Womanhood, we must talk about motherhood and sexuality in the same conversation.
Not only that, we also need to redefine motherhood and sexuality and liberate both from all the limiting ideas we have about them. Ideas that we have gotten from male-centric views of the world. Now, to be clear, I’m not anti-men nor do I consider myself a feminist or pro-matriarchy. We need both the Masculine and Feminine Essence in this world. (If you’re thinking, Vina, you have totally lost me. What? Think the yin of the yang. And if that doesn’t do it, then I’ll have a lot to explain in my next posts on this topic, but for now, know this: I passionately believe it’s time to awaken, heal and nourish all that the Feminine Presence stands for.)
I’m not claiming to be an expert on this. Truly, this is something that I just discovered a few years ago when I became a mother and more so the last year when I felt something dying to be born within me.
Also, it seemed like I was always following two groups of women/mothers online. One group had motherhood down. The people who helped me stay organized and productive at home, cook fabulous healthy food, nurture my child well and enjoy domesticity for all its worth. The other group helped me take care of myself from the inside out, get in touch with my feminine power and sexuality and do my art, my thing. The other group understood my deep desire to nurture my new domestic life and the other group understood my deep need to nurture me, my womanhood and my dreams.
And I have always felt torn. And a little bit pissed off that I had to follow two groups of people.
And so I decided, that I will be the change I want to see in this world. I want to marry both groups into one and what the hey? Start my own! I want to be that mother who truly embraces the domestic life for the revolutionary way of being that it truly is, AND be that mother who embodies true feminine presence while relentlessly pursuing her art and embracing sexuality as nothing sort of sacred.
And I’m pretty sure (pretty pretty please) that I’m not alone.
Now I realize I’m making a lot of jumps here. And perhaps in my previous posts as well because I had began to notice a lot of people unsubscribing to my blog. Which is totally fine by me. (Although I was totally sad to lose a few online friends I’ve made in the beginning of the blog.) There are lots of questions on sexuality and spirituality and motherhood and womanhood that are playing around in my head, heart and gut (and perhaps in yours too?) and I want to finally live those questions out.
The winds are blowing a totally different direction and I’m riding it.
I’ve been afraid to admit that my plans and desires for this blog has changed from when I started it (i.e. my about page, which I’ve been meaning to update but just couldn’t get myself to do it), but I go back and forth between keeping up with the old, thereby keeping people pleased and keeping me comfortable by not going where I fear going OR going with the new, the one I’ve been dying to giving birth to, thereby facing my fears and keeping true to me and to my kind of people, whoever and wherever they are.
I don’t know yet what this all means, but I’m totally committed to finding out. So if you’re still reading this (wow) and you’re thinking, I totally get her and want to see where this journey goes, know that you are definitely my people and I can’t wait to keep going on this journey with you.
The end.
The evolution of my thoughts on motherhood + spirituality:
What if God was a mother?
Coming Home to Ourselves: Sorting Out My Out of Sorts Faith
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You’re not alone. And you are a feminist – and all is well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well (Julian of Norwich). Including your blog and psyche.
I’ll put the notion of sacred sex on my list of blog topics (to be combined with some commentary on C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity), and let you know when it’s up. Community is essential. And awesome.
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:31 am
@Lauren, Oh Lauren! I love that quote from Julian of Norwich! It’s been one of my life quotes, I guess. I look forward to seeing your blog posts on the topic!
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Vina, I think I’ve only ever commented once before, so hello!
I just have to encourage you to keep embracing who you’re becoming. I (and probably many other women) have long been in need of a woman who steps out there and is willing to be both motherly and sexy. I think women are afraid to go there because they don’t realize they were created to be both. We need another revolution in femininity that combines them and helps us realize that embracing the two together is becoming our whole selves.
I know it can be scary when you lose subscribers to your blog because you might feel like people don’t want to hear your message, but there are plenty of people who desperately need to hear what you have to say. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:32 am
@Kesha, Kesha, dear one, hello! Thank you for your ever encouraging words. I adore them. Thank you. Yes, let’s explore together what it means to be motherly and sexy shall we? I look forward to seeing you more here and your lovely comments.
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I just started following your blog and this post confirmed my intention to keep doing so. You go, mama, with your sexy self.
ps I think you are a feminist too. 
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:33 am
@Amanda, Back at you Mama Amanda, you and your motherly sexy self.
I guess I’m slow to embrace the word feminist for all the baggage the word has fro me. But I’m so glad you are here and I hope to hear from you more!
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Amanda Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:38 am
I know what you mean. For me I just define it as “one who believes that men and women and the contributions they make to the world have the same value” or something like that.
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I for one PROMISE to read every word you write about sex – and enjoy it! The way sex was explained to me growing up was that women don’t want sex, and if you waited until you were married, then no problems! I’ve had a lot of growing to do, and still have a lot of growing to do in this area! I checked out the site you linked and it looks awesome! I’m definitely going to read more…
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 10:03 am
@Christa, Christa, I’ve had the same beliefs about sex ingrained in me as well. Sad. This unravelling has been quite an adventure, and so glad you’re to know you’re in the adventure too!
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This. This is why I love you.
Also, have you read, Sex God by Rob Bell? If not, don’t judge it by the title. It’s not a hokey ‘we are close to God when we orgasm and that is why we must yell his name’ (WHAT?!? THE HECK??!!?)kind of book. It is about sex being central to our being but not being defined as so many of us have had it defined in the past. Great read. And again, despite the “scary” title (it IS designed to sell books) a very interesting take on God’s perspective and intent for sex for us. Read it. My hubs got fired for doing a study on that book with teenagers and their parents. He would still tell you it was worth it.
You! Keep being awesome!
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 5:55 pm
@Amber, Blush. No I haven’t read that book, but I think when I’m ready to read “christian-ish” books I’ll be sure to pick that up!
That would be horrible to have to yell God’s name during an orgasm. Oh my. So glad you’re one of my people Amber. SO glad.
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I think this topic is timely and necessary. I’ve never read your blog before, but based on this post, I know I will be back.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m fed up with all of the negative stereotypes out there regarding committed relationships, marriage, and family. There are two options: 1) We can sit back and “accept” that relationships are boring, bland, and sexless, or 2) We can pave the way for a healthier view where relationships have the potential to be fun and sexy. I know which one I prefer
Three books I would highly recommend:
- Passionate Marriage by David Schnach: About the interdependent relationships between emotional intimacy and sexuality
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/passionate-marriage-david-schnarch/1103520605?ean=9781615520848&itm=1&usri=passionate%2bmarriage%2bkeeping%2blove%2b26amp3b%2bintimacy%2balive
- Women Who Love Sex by Gina Ogden: Talks about sex in relationship to multiple modalities (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual)
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/women-who-love-sex-gina-ogden/1003635148?ean=9780967270500&itm=2&usri=women%2bwho%2blove%2bsex
- Rebalancing the World by Carol Flinders: Fascinating book that ties together spirituality, gender relations, environmentalism, and capitalism. If you’re curious about what happened to the divine feminine, this is a great read.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/rebalancing-the-world-carol-l-flinders/1005806503?ean=9780062517371&itm=1&usri=rebalancing%2bthe%2bworld
I look forward to reading your future blog posts!
P.S. I think you’re a feminist, too. I resisted the term for a long time as well, but if I’ve learned anything since I’ve started reading “feminist” books it’s that there is no set definition of feminism. You don’t have to be a “man hater”
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Vina Barham Reply:
September 28th, 2011 at 8:31 pm
@Lindsay Rose, Hi Lindsay, welcome! I’m so glad you found this blog post and those books you recommended all sound juicy! A friend of mine recommended Passionate Marriage too and I have yet to read it in its entirety (borrowed it from the library) The topic of the Divine Feminine is one I’ve been swimming in for awhile…looking forward to sharing more about that and hearing your thoughts…
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