“You become the woman you are supposed to be when you own who you are. You are sometimes arrogant and sometimes amazing. You’re sometimes together but more often coming apart at the seams. All you have to do is approve. You might be loving and tender; you might be a raging bitch. Don’t hold back either way. You are your gift to the world.” — Nicole Daedone
Sunday morning rolls in and I’m somewhat used to not having to go to church anymore. We usually have no plans set and depending on the weather, we follow our longings to set the day for us. Our family may head out to walk on the beach, set out for the market, eat the best French pastries in the city (Bakery Nouveau in my humble opinion), or like today, I’m letting my little girl watch some PBS shows while my husband makes the most awesome quiche and I, well, lounge on the couch and write my heart away.
:: Pause ::
I stopped going to church (and by church I mean the church I grew up in, the evangelical christian kind) because my heart bled and broke to pieces every time I went. I had to hold my breathe for two hours before I can finally let go and be me. Be the angry-and-wounded-feminine-whose-wounds-have-not-yet-healed-and-turned-to-scars-me. I truly wish I can bypass this icky hurting part of the process, that I can just magically appear on the other side where I am scarred yet whole and empowered. Where all is forgiven.
But I can’t.
At least not yet.
(Oh, we also stopped going to church because we have a 3 year old. Which is a whole nother post for later.)
:: Pause ::
Like you, I’m on a journey and I’m committed to honoring that journey and meeting myself where I am. Because I can’t be anyplace else but here. It’s from this place that I can heal and grow and move forward. But I need to embrace all that is here, the seemingly ugly and unwanted parts included.
Seemingly ugly only because our culture and our beliefs deem them ugly. The angry and wounded parts that we must embrace before we can release them and move on to happier days. I just want to get to the release part. And I am quite reluctant to embrace.
But embrace I must.
:: Pause ::
I am angry because the Sacred Scriptures have been rewritten ever so slightly to hide women. From small stuff like changing Junia to Junias to big stuff like doing away with (or making peripheral) the Feminine Face of God.
I am angry because it is so hard and hurtful to follow the path of a Christian Feminine/Feminist in most male-led churches and groups, no matter how un-intintentional.
I am angry because nourishing my spirituality in ways more Feminine is often looked down upon by church “authorities” and sometimes labeled heretic at best, demonic worst.
:: Pause ::
Most people will say, don’t get angry. Get busy and get working! Be the change you want to see in the world! And in part, I agree. But to be the change you want to see in the world requires self-work first and foremost. Not changing the systems out there that we see as broken. Change is an inside job.
And my self-work requires that I take myself out of what I consider psychologically abusive places (yes such a strong word) such as churches where my identity as a woman is constantly denied if not denigrated to a side note. For every time I have to sing of a He, for every time I have to pray to a Father, for every time I read something addressed to a man and not a woman, for every time I read another Empowering-the-Feminine book or article written by men, I inflict more wounds to what is trying to heal and grow and be.
Because the change I need to happen is pure unconditional acceptance and celebration of my Feminine Self.
And I start with me.
:: The End ::
Yep. Sigh….
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(or I could say “Amen” just for fun….)
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 8:31 pm
@Christa, Haha. Why not?
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On the contrary I think the church honors women/mothers and their role and the difference between men and women. Never perfectly, of course. I am sorry you are hurt or feel belittled. That certainly isn’t how Jesus wants you to feel.
But you are on a journey and it is not over…
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Once again, this so resonates with me. What you’re writing about here represents just one of the ways I’m struggling with church. (Interestingly, my husband is struggling just as much as me, so it’s not just about the denial of the feminine).
I’m with you in all of these things in regards to the church. I don’t know how things are between you and God, though. As for me, I’m personally not overly frustrated with him (yes, I continue to use the masculine pronoun when I refer to God… it’s complicated) over the whole gender thing, because I don’t think he is at all happy with the way women have been alienated and oppressed by the church. I think he would have liked women to be able to participate in the writing of Scriptures, and wants women to be leaders in the church today, too. I just think that he has had to work with what he had, though, and due to sin unfortunately that has left him with only men for most of history. (Like, only men have had the resources to be able to write and lead thus far). Am I making any sense? So it burns me up that the church continues to leave out women, even when it feels like we should be so beyond that by now.
I could go on and on so I will try to leave it at that.
I hope you do write a post about how having a child is making the church situation worse, because I’m finding the same thing. But it’s still new to me, so I haven’t been able to put words to it yet. Overall, I don’t feel like the evangelical church knows what to do with children. That’s why they decided to just copy the public school model and put kids into age-segregated “classes” to learn about God in an academic manner.
Oh dear, I really could go on and on about church.
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 8:58 pm
@Kathleen Quiring | Project M,
I too could go on and on too about church, Kathleen. (That line made me smile by the way.) Believe me.
Like you, I am not frustrated with God/Goddess or as some prefer, Godde. I feel like I have more awe and reverence for all that I don’t understand and at the same time, a closer intimacy because I now get that He/She is a part of me. The thing is, the more I explore outside of the Christian tradition, the more I find Him/Her in ways that speak so strongly and deeply and beautifully to me and most especially to my Feminine Self.
Also, it’s not just about church leadership anymore that irks me. (You’re absolutely right, it seems like we should all be over that by now. But we’re not.) My issue is beyond church leadership. My issue is with the kind of consciousness about the Creator/Creatix and spirituality in general that we inherit from the Evangelical Christian tradition that wounds so many of us, both men and women. Our emphasis on the written word/logic/authority and other more “masculine” traits that has crippled the way we interact with the Divine bothers me. Feminine wisdom is generally looked down on or contained in some kind of women’s ministry. Does that make sense?
I don’t know if I can be ever content to sit and listen to a sermon ever again. And by a man! Yoga and dance and art! has become my most treasured ways of connecting with Godde.
Now I’m just rambling.
See. I told you I could go on and on about church.
(P.S. I think you are on to something about the children + church dilemma that we’re facing. That the church doesn’t know what to do with children…and I have a theory about this….you’ve set me down another rabbit trail….)
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OK, I couldn’t stay away. This topic is just too close to my heart.
A couple of other things I wanted to say:
First, what I like most about this post is your contention that “to be the change you want to see in the world requires self-work first and foremost.” Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for putting it that way; I wouldn’t have thought to put it that way but I think you’re totally right.
Next, I just wanted to say that I myself don’t feel hurt by the church so much as annoyed and frustrated. As in, seriously, we’re still squabbling about whether or not women can teach in the church? We aren’t totally past that by now? It isn’t obvious to everyone that we need to hear women’s voices in the church to get a full picture of the Bride of Christ? There was a time when I felt wounded by the church, but nowadays I’m able to get by, knowing that there are folks here and there who get it. There’s a ragtag band of strong, intelligent Christian women (and also brilliant and good men who support them) out there, and I can find their teachings scattered throughout books and across the internet. Thank goodness for the internet, it has allowed me to feel so much less alone. I feel alone within the walls of my home church, but only there.
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 9:01 pm
@Kathleen Quiring | Project M,
Oh boy! What a treat! Two comments from Kathleen in one day!
Well, I think I’m a bit on the sensitive side which is why I feel hurt but I have to be honest that I feel just as annoyed and frustrated.
And so true that if it weren’t for the internet and the so many other kindred spirits on a similar journey bravely writing their stories, I seriously don’t know how to cope. I do want to add that I’ve mostly been reading a lot of non-Christian explorations to God and surprisingly have comforted me just the same.
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 9:01 pm
@Kathleen Quiring | Project M, So what is your home church like if I can ask?
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I just wanted to say thanks for writing about such topics. I agree with pretty much all of your thoughts. I still strongly crave the community that church (organized religion in whatever shape or form) can bring so not going doesn’t feel like an option (thought I totally get the sentiment). I am happy to share that I just sent an email to a female pastor that runs a very anything but typical congregation here in my new city (Denver). I have been following her on facebook for a bit and am looking forward to checking it out.
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 1:59 pm
@Amanda Roggow, Yes I can totally understand your need for community…I miss it so. Hope you get to check out that new congregation…let me know when you do!
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Vina, in response to your question: my home church is your very typical evangelical church on its way to being a mega-church. A couple of men do all the teaching; we sing popular worship songs written by men led by mostly-male worship teams, etc. Oh, and women teach Sunday school, of course.
Ooh, Creatix, what an interesting word! I’m with you that “Our emphasis on the written word/logic/authority and other more ‘masculine’ traits that has crippled the way we interact with the Divine.” I’ve also thought about how we could use art and dance (and not just “congregational singing”) as forms of worship and ways of experiencing God.
You’re making me rethink everything here, lol . . . I keep typing things and then retracting them. Because I still remain faithful to Jesus (I’m OK with the fact that he was/is a man, because I understand that that’s how it had to be in the first century) so I keep wanting to say things like “I still find all my comfort/answers in the Christian tradition/the Bible,” etc, but then I realize that’s not entirely true. I had to draw from other traditions when it came to preparing for birth, because there is nothing in the Bible or Christian tradition that I could find. And the Christian women I am learning from are kind of forging a new version of Christianity which I can’t say is part of the “tradition.” *Sigh.* It’s complicated. But I do remain faithful to Jesus
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Vina Barham Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
@Kathleen Quiring | Project M, I have no problems with Jesus…it’s the Bible I have issues with..I think I’m becoming a gnostic believer and that I’m very open to other faith traditions as a legit way to God. The more I explore, the more I am convinced. But that’s just me.
I know it’s complicated too, but i still consider myself a follower of Jesus with an added Goddess-Myaticism
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