Making Applesauce with Miss N
Living consciously with our little ones is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our Presence, more than anything, is what they treasure most. Very young children are very impressionable and not only do they imitate what they see, they also absorb with very little filter what surrounds them in their everyday life.
And so how we are Present in our home and with their company is how they learn to be Present to this world as well. If I find myself bored, resentful or stressed out towards the tasks at hand, then my child will take in what Sharifa Oppenheimer calls the Inner Gesture I am displaying and will imitate this very same attitude intuitively. In one of my favorite books on conscious parenting, Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children, she writes:
Does she see care in my bodily rhythm as I bend toward the task or does she see a hurried duty? Does she see pleasure in the task or resentment? What inner gesture will she imitate?
I have this written on my little planner to remind myself every so often, especially when I’m finding something particularly tedious, such as folding the laundry yet again. It’s a practice in exulting the monotony, in embracing the Now and being 100% Present to What Is.
It’s All Very Simple. Just Pay Attention.
Pay attention to your Inner Gesture. If your Inner Gesture is not what you’d like it to be, ask yourself what you need. For example, I’ve given myself permission to NOT do a task I just can’t enjoy at the moment. If I need some time and space to shift my mind towards an Inner Gesture worth imitating, then I give myself that. Or perhaps I need to find a more creative way of getting something done, or doing something in a way that I can enjoy. Or altogether delegating it. Or perhaps I simply haven’t taken good care of myself and need to do some self-tending.
Presence, not Productivity, I remind myself. The latter will happen when I keep the main thing the main thing.
Life with children does not have to be endured. It’s totally possible to enjoy each moment with our children. I’m really tired of this mantra: motherhood is hard. That it’s too lofty of a goal to carpe the heck out of this diem. Motherhood is only hard if you want it to be.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t have chaotic moments. It only means that we can embrace even the chaos, trusting that Joy is still possible no matter what. Because there’s always Joy in the Now. And that’s where true Power lies. It might mean giving up an expectation here and there and letting go of the Shoulds that drive our life so much.
And it all begins with embracing What Is. The Practice of Presence.
If we are Present to whatever is in front of us, Purpose and Pleasure inevitably follow. Child-rearing included.
Your Turn: Do you agree? How do you Practice being Present with your children? Do you find it makes a difference? As usual, sharing is the only kind thing to do if you dig this post. So share away.
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Thank you for writing this post, Vina! I’ve read a number of recent (very popular) posts about how hard motherhood is, and it’s got me all confused. These posts are beautiful and full of wisdom, and I get where they’re coming from, especially the “Don’t Carpe Diem” one. But what am I to do with the fact that I ADORE motherhood? What’s going on here? Are we doing things differently? Are our kids just so fundamentally different? Or will it get super-hard for me yet? I’ve been wanting to write my own post in response.
I love the quote from Oppenheimer . . . sounds like another book to add to my mile-long reading list!
And I’m not sure if/how I “practice presence” with my child . . . I’ll have to reflect on that a bit.
Kathleen Quiring´s last [type] ..Update on Attachment Parenting
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Vina Barham Reply:
January 24th, 2012 at 10:11 pm
@Kathleen Quiring, i have to say that I wrote this post on an exceptionally good day. But also, I do think it’s all about the outlook because I can remember those days when i thought parenting was just soooo hard. But my situation hasn’t changed much. Of course, I only have ONE child so I’m sure that counts against my claim of motherhood being hard…i’m just going to have to become a foster mama and prove everyone wrong.
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I read your comment above, and I would vouch for these ideas being true and hard for 2 kids just as much as with 1. I honestly felt like having the second child expanded my inner resources just as my love expanded to incorporate 2 children. I do feel like my inner resources are more stretched, but I also have more of them. Being more stretched comes when I have 3 dudes (includes my hubby) who all want me to be present to them and I’m feeling like saying, “Ahhhhh! Everyone shut up and go away!” The whole “Inner Gesture” idea is great to think about in moments like that……
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Vina Barham Reply:
January 26th, 2012 at 12:39 pm
@Christa, I love that…”expanded my inner resources…” well put! I do feel that a lot (the everyone go away feeling) – being a HUGE introvert that I am and what I do now is to give myself a time out, even if it’s just to go to the bathroom for like 5 minutes. Haha. I just want my inner gesture to align with my outer gesture more.
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I just discovered your site via pinterest (the coconut/white bean cupcake recipe) and I am staying to explore more. I just want to let your know that I LOVE this post and I will be back! Funny, I have that book and I don’t remember reading the inner gesture part. I’m going to get it off the shelf now.
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Vina Barham Reply:
January 26th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
@Anne, Hi Anne, welcome here! Glad you loved this post and let me know if you have other insights to share after you look over the book again. I love that book! PS could you let me know how you like that cupcake recipe? thanks much!
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Thanks for such a great post. I am a mother who has just recently found motherhood “hard.” I think it’s because my little one is almost 1 and so busy. I love the busy moments, but am finding the everyday chores harder to complete with less naps and more mobility in my child. Your article inspires me to find new ways to go about my day. Would you mind if I linked this article on my own personal blog about motherhood? Thanks.
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Vina Barham Reply:
March 14th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
@Jenn, Hi Jenn, thanks for dropping by! I’m sure there are as many creative ways as there are the people who think of them. I wouldn’t mind at all if you linked, in fact, I really appreciate it!
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Thank you, a beautiful reminder to be present.
I have forwarded to my husband too, as I think it can equally apply to dads.
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Vina Barham Reply:
March 14th, 2012 at 8:51 pm
@Vic, Oh yes, a reminder I need myself every single day. Or moment.
THank you for visiting here and leaving a trail of such kind words. 
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