I sit here typing ever so quietly in the dark, my daughter sprawled out in what used to be the bed that my husband and I once shared just the two of us. It’s past my bedtime and of course, I feel so inclined to blog all of a sudden.
What is it about dark times and confused states that make words come so readily?
It’s June. And what I feared would happen is well, happening.
I’m gravitating back to my old ways of being: I’m self-sabotaging my sacred sexy projects. I’m frozen and clueless with how to proceed with my business plans. I’m taking 3 steps back after taking one baby step forward with my dream to teach Nia. I’m racking up hefty library dues once again (and letting 3 stupid books sit on my shelf when I know I need to be returning them ASAP.) I’m saying yes when I mean no and saying no when I mean yes.
Yes, I’m swimming in the Ocean of Fear.
Except fear is no ocean.
More like the Burning Coals in the Deep Pit of Hell.
:: Pause ::
Whenever I gravitate back to my old way of being, it sometimes takes me awhile to recognize I’m in it. But slowly, I’m finding my way back out. Each time, with less shame, more compassion and dare I say more wisdom for the journey ahead.
I’m listening intently to what I need to know right now.
These past few months of investing money, energy and time towards my Dreams and a life more mine have been somewhat magical. I felt each move forward as a resounding YES in my body, heart, mind and spirit. I was basking in abundance and affirmation of what was possible.
I was dreaming BIG. And I was so ready to play Big.
Until I realized that some of my Big Dreams didn’t quite fit me. At least not yet.
And that my Big Dreams didn’t make room for a few small dreams that I was already making happen. Small dreams like making a home for my family, nourishing them with food, being present to my little one and giving her the space and the freedom to explore, learn and grow her pace, her way (a.k.a. unschooling).
I was bummed after realizing this for a few days, maybe even weeks.
Until I saw the Brilliant Truth I’ve been missing this whole time.
What if playing Big is simply about being who I already am, right now?
What if playing Big for me meant:
- continuing in MY journey of carving out the life that I truly want – a life where I get to make a living helping others with the gifts I have now (not in five years after an overpriced graduate school education) WHILE homeschooling/unschooling my child and mothering her in ways that are absolutely 100% mine?
- sharing all that I’m learning through my writing and possibly “coaching” (except I loathe that word, and I don’t care to be a certified coach either, but that thing I do called listening and asking good questions and helping others tune into their own wisdom) and start to make a modest living out of that?
- nourishing this community I already have and creating the kind of sisterhood I’ve been dreaming of all this time?
- simply continuing to grow in my everyday Nia practice and let my practice inform me of when I am truly ready to step out and teach?
I’m laughing now, laughing at how easy this is.
How liberating to know that to embody this Big Life I’ve been scheming and dreaming of, I just need to keep living my Small Life, one ordinary day at a time.
That To Play Big, I just have to be Me.