Author Archive

Are You Ready For A Revolution? I Am.

September 10th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation One comment - Tags: my story

Photo By MissPixels

Have you ever been caught in a habit that, although wasn’t necessarily that bad (as we all rationalize), just felt like it had to go? Well, I have been and I am so over it. I thought I had kicked the habit for good, but it has shown up in this blog and now that I look back to the past couple of years as a mama, it has shown up all over the place in our house and beyond as well.

It’s the nasty habit of saying yes just to please others (and consequently always putting other people first, obligingly.)

Oh yuck.

When I wrote about Making Space For Something Dying To Be Born, I now suspect that it has largely to do about that, my people-pleasin’ ways. See, I’ve had these tendencies growing up and it has led me to careers and a way of life that was just slightly short of becoming a doormat to serve the needs of the greater good. As you can imagine, this has resulted in an epic breakdown of sorts. Picture me snapping into hysterical sobs while driving my car on the way to see my spiritual advisor/pastor while telling everyone in my life to basically f*** off. I dropped off the face of the planet, flaked out on every responsibility I could and one by one sabotaged my friendships so I can retreat into a nice lonely cocoon all by my lonesome self. I just needed to breathe darn it.

That was about 8 years ago. And I’m still picking up the pieces.

Over the years, I’ve intentionally exercised my prerogative to say no to so many things just so I can regain some sort of sanity in my life. I truly had no clue where my boundaries were and slowly with the help of a wise therapist, my then boyfriend-turned-husband, and a really supportive group of people at the place where I worked, I started to develop my muscles for defining who I am.

Ironically, I realized that I no longer wanted to be in any professional ministry of any sort. I was done with missionary work, like I was done with the American Brand of Christianity, among many other things. I was just beginning to sort out my mess and figure out who I truly was.

And then I became a mother.

And you know how that goes, right? This journey towards discovering who I am Created to be and what Gifts I truly have to offer came to a halt as I focused the first year of motherhood on making sure that me and my baby at least survive. Yah, it was that crazy and beautiful all at once.

So here I am. Blogging away about all kinds of stuff without addressing directly this huge huge huge part of my story. Which is why I have often felt off-key somehow, or feeling like I’m spewing out all sorts of outrageously insightful stuff and yet there’s this elephant in the room stomping all over my wisdom and calling me a fraud. Because I’m not telling the whole truth.

Not that we always have to spill EVERYTHING, but context is King. And this is my context for this blog.

Which leads to all the fabulous and insane changes I’m going to be making here. Still with me?

(To Be Continued…)

How To Travel Light In This Life: Want The Good Stuff

September 9th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Simplify and Declutter One comment

Photo By Jek

This post was originally published in March 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking blog to where it all started. I hope to figure this out real soon!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how we can keep our houses uncluttered: own less stuff. And today, I will share a secret to owning less stuff. And it’s not to want less of the bad stuff. It’s to want more of the good stuff.

Imagine A Pie and A Tub
See, there’s only so much you can cram into your life. My therapist once told me to imagine my life like a big piece of pie. (Whatever pie you turns you on is fair game. Mine is a decadent chocolate mouse pie.) And that I only have a limited number of slices. I was getting married then, and she told me that I need to imagine making room for my spouse in that big piece of pie. That some of the slices would either have to go, or be a little bit smaller than before. It’s not because they are necessarily bad. It was just that my spouse was definitely going to be a big piece of that pie, if not the biggest.

If that imagery doesn’t work you, maybe the Principle of Displacement will.

Legend has it that Archimedes of Syracause, one of the greatest mathematicians and inventors of all time, discovered the principle of displacement while stepping into a full bath. He realized that the water that ran over equaled in volume the submerged part of his body in the tub.

Finite Capacity Full, But Not Satisfied

You, Me, We are of finite capacity. Like a pie. Like a tub. We can only contain so much stuff in our hearts, in our minds, in our homes. There is only so much space in our lives. The problem is that we are tempted daily to fill our lives with the little things that don’t truly satisfy. They make us feel full and happy for a little while because it’s what’s easily available, readily accessible. The quick thrills. But these little things that we accumulate over time don’t really add much value to our life. And so we accumulate more and more of the things that don’t satisfy for long and the cycle just continues.

We fill our minds with judgments and jealousy, or numb it away on the latest technology. We fill our conversations with silliness and lies. We fill our bodies with junk posing as food. We fill our days with activities and events and never-ending busyness. We fill our homes with stuff we don’t need but bought because it was on sale or because we went to Target, where no one goes home with just one thing.

The Secret:Want The Good That Nourishes
But how do we stop filling our lives with these things? The answer is simple, but not easy. It’s not to want less of the bad stuff. I used to think it’s to kill our yearning for these things. To deny ourselves things. To detach ourselves from these things. But I found that to do so is to also kill a part of me. Because the yearning itself comes from something deep within me. It’s part of me. It is me.

Rather, it’s to redirect those desires to That Who is Good and Nourishing. It’s to admit that yes, we tend towards stupidity and fill our lives with junk, but to also realize that this tendency is just misplaced. This tendency is a gift, if we embrace it as part of who we are. This tendency is an opportunity to seek and find what it is that our hearts, minds and souls are truly looking for.

Let’s Get Practical
And so how does it play out in my every day life? I’ll give you an example.

Some days, I will be itching to shop at my favorite stores: Value Village and Goodwill, even when I don’t really have anything in particular I need to buy. I know that when I go, I usually come back $20 poorer and with an armload of stuff we don’t really need. So when I have this thrift-shopping itch, I have to ask myself what it is that I am truly aching for (embracing the tendency towards stupidity and stuff). And then if I’m lucky to figure out that day that it was because I feel insignificant in what I do as a stay-at-home-mom, then I just go back to thoughts like my post here and here and truly, honestly, I don’t want to go shopping anymore. It then inspires me to create instead of to consume, even if it’s as simple as creating a dozen cookies with my toddler.

It’s not that shopping for pleasure is a bad thing. It’s just one of those thing that fill our lives with clutter, and that clutter can easily drown you. And I, for one, do not want to drown.

Sometimes I Wonder…

September 8th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting One comment - Tags: mindful mothering

This Motherhood Gig is Absolutely Insanely Blessed. And Righteously Crazy.

Every time I get to kiss my little girl’s boo-boo (of which she loves to recount over and over how she got it), or nurse her to sleep at night or hold her precious little hands as we go on yet another walk , I wonder how long the joy will last. Because there’s too much, and my teeny weary heart is not used to the amounts of love that goes through it each day. And it almost hurts.

Because of her.

I wonder…how is it possible that I can love this much?

And would this love be enough?

And is love really, hands-down, the only thing needed ?

And whether at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how organized and clean our house is, or how delicious and healthy our dinner is, or how well-planned and elaborate our play and activities are…

if she didn’t feel loved?

And then I wonder, if motherhood is a whole lot simpler than we make it out to be?

And how really useless it is to worry ourselves to death with so much,

when all motherhood asks for us…

is to mother with our whole heart?

And then I wonder…

To what end, really, is this motherhood gig for?

I mean, of course it’s about watching and praying and hoping and loving your children to growth and maturity and….then they leave and go. And all of a sudden, our whole-hearted loving is no longer central in their lives.

And so I wonder.

Is this motherhood gig, in all its absolute insanity and blessedness delight, a gift not just for my children, but uhm, for me?

To teach me how to love…whole-heartedly?

May it be so.

What about you? What are some things you wonder about motherhood?

Goodness of Fit: Nurturing Our Child’s Nature

September 7th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child One comment

Editor’s Note: This was originally published in February 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking back to how it all started. I’m really thinking through the future of A Nourishing Home, so please bear with me. Hope you all had a lovely weekend like we did!

The other day, I was reading a lovely post by Jamie at Steady Mom on raising strong-willed children and it made me think about the Goodness of Fit theory and why it matters.

What is Goodness of Fit?
Here is the official definition, taken from the book, Goodness of Fit: Clinical Applications, From Infancy through Adult Life:

“Goodness of Fit results when the properties of the environment and its expectations and demands are in accord with the organism’s own capacities, characteristics and style of behaving. When consonance between organism and environment is present, optimal development in a progressive direction is possible.”

Okay, now in everyday terms:

Most parents have this intuitive sense of providing the best environment for their child. For example, new parents set up the nursery before the baby comes and try to make it as lovely as possible. We read books, scores of books and get ourselves ready for the task of caring for a new child. We even go to classes, talk to other moms, get all the baby gear we think we need (and most of them we actually dont’!) So it doesn’t seem like a topic we need to be reminded of, since it’s something we are inclined to do without even trying.

What it isn’t: Providing the “Perfect Environment”

The problem is that these days, it translates to exposing our infants to Baby Einstein, to Gymboree Classes, to strollers hooked with MP3 players and speakers for a much more soothing ride, ridiculous expensive shoes before they even learn to walk, and so much more. It’s easy to laugh at these attempts, but in one way or another, most of us find it a hard inclination to overcome. And underneath the surface, all it means is that parents want what is best for their children.

But We Miss One Big Simple Point

One of the things this theory boils down to that I want to focus on today, is to nurture your child’s nature. Your child has to be the starting point. Because your child, although impressionable, comes with his/her own innate “capacities, characteristics and style of behaving.” The environment, meanwhile, is something that we can shape to an extent. And that environment includes US, mainly, our attitudes and expectations for our children.

My Experience

As a new mom, I remember many times that I’ve had to apologize for my little girl when I shouldn’t have to. That she is somewhat cautious and reserved towards strangers. That she takes awhile time to feel safe and familiar in a new environment. That she is very attached to mom and finds comfort primarily when I am near her. But this is part of who she is, and by apologizing for her, I am invalidating her essence instead of celebrating the gift of who she is. Her cautious and reserved nature is a wonderful quality to have and when nourished rightly, will be a gift to many. Her cautious and reserved nature is much needed in this world of the hasty and the extroverted. Her cautious and reserved nature is not worse or better, just different from what we often extol.

And so I’m learning that as a mother, perhaps one of the most important tasks I have is to nurture my daughter’s nature. To truly embrace her for who she is and give her the space to fully grow into the person she is supposed to be. Not who I want her to be. I am perhaps a pretty major chunk of that environment that will have to adjust attitudes and expectations every so often so that her natural God-given strengths can fully flourish.

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A Simple Way To Keep Your House Uncluttered

September 1st, 2010 · Vina Barham · Simplify and Declutter 4 comments

Photo By Tozzer577

This was originally posted in February 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking back to how it all started.

There so many sites out there with a lot of nifty advice on how to get organized. There are so many gadgets out there that promise to make our life more organized. There are even classes to teach us how to be better organized.

Not to belittle the value of these organizational helps, but why is that?

Because we simply have too much _______ (fill in the blank). We have too much to do, too many emails in our inbox, too many clothes, too many books, too many whatever else.

The Simple Way
The answer is not more organization. The answer is not more, whatever. The answer is less.

Own less clothes and you won’t need anything but a rack, hangers and a simple dresser.
Own less things in your house and you won’t need to always be downsizing or finding places to put your stuff in.
Own less paperwork and you won’t be needing filing gadgets galore, cute as they come now.
Own less kitchen gizmos and knick-knacks and you won’t be needing to learn how to make them all fit in your cupboards.
Own less books, DVDs, whatever media you fancy and you won’t be needing to catalogue or buy containers to store them in.

If less is too vague, then ask yourself, what are the things you truly need and what are the things you can truly do without? The answer will surprise you.

How We Are Doing
We live in a three-bedroom townhouse and we try to keep our place as uncluttered and simple as we could. We rarely buy new clothes (except for our growing toddler). I usually borrow books from the library. We watch movies from Apple TV or online. We mostly recycle 90% of what comes in the mail. I don’t buy cosmetic stuff. We just have the basic necessities for the most part. We don’t subscribe to magazines. We try to only buy what we really need when we go to IKEA. We just don’t buy a whole lot of stuff. Most of the time. Perhaps it’s just our personality, we’re just both pretty frugal. There is one thing we are trying to be better with: baby stuff. Before we had her, we were able to use our one-car garage for parking our car, but now it has tons and tons of baby clothes parked there instead. But then again, we might have a second child, and a third, so it’s all good.

If you find it hard to let go of stuff, maybe it’s a sign to examine your life. What are you holding on to? What makes you buy more? What do you think you will lose if you let go? Next week, I’ll address these questions and share my own journey of living on less.

Menu Plan Monday on a Tuesday

August 31st, 2010 · Vina Barham · Menu Plan, Nutrition + Health 2 comments

So, I decided that we’re not going to do the Gluten-Free Diet after all. Fickle mind I am! We’ll still mostly eat rice and alternative grains, but our family is going to enjoy a little bit of wheat here and there. Healthy eating requires that important Pleasure-element that I wrote about here so a bit of moderation on stuff that is not the greatest source of nutrition while focusing on nutrient dense and pleasurable meals that bring fullness to body, mind and soul.

Here is our Menu Plan for the week:

Monday

Breakfast: Homemade Granola with Yogurt
Lunch: Turkey Sandwich on Sourdough Bread and Sugar Snap Peas
Dinner: Roasted Chicken with Red Onions and Prunes, Roasted Potatoes and Summer Salad
Snacks: Rice Cakes with Peanut Butter

Tuesday

Breakfast: Egg and Sausage Burrito
Lunch: Chicken Salad Sandwich + Kombucha
Dinner: Chicken Tacos and Black Bean & Corn Salad
Snacks: Carrot Cookies

Wednesday

Breakfast: Hearty Muffins + Strawberry Kefir
Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich with Bacon
Dinner: Creamy Salmon Bake + Green Bean Casserole
Snacks: Kale Chips

Thursday

Breakfast: Coconut Pancakes + Blueberry Smoothie
Lunch: Sardine Melt on Sourdough Bread + Kombucha
Dinner: Mac N Cheese with Brown Rice Pasta + Meatballs (with Liver) + Salad
Snacks: Oatmeal + Peanut Butter Cookie

One Simple Powerful Technique That Can Change Your Life

August 30th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Wellness + Self-Care 2 comments

Photo By Martin Labar

If you haven’t yet, hop on over at Simple Mom and read an awesome post from one of my favorite Mommy-Wellness bloggers: Lisa Byrne. She writes today about a simple and powerful technique that has changed the way I approach nurturing my well-being. It’s simply this:

To produce better fruit, focus on the roots.

For me, this means being observant and aware of the fruits I’m producing in my life, so I can dig deep and figure out what’s not working at the root level. First, I have to pay attention to how I’m feeling and all the surface-level stuff that’s going on in my life. Second, I look at the big picture of my life and figure out what’s really going within.

Example: Yesterday, we had a big social gathering we committed to and deep down and for some reason, I really didn’t want to go. I ignored this signal and at the end of the day, I was crabby and had a temper with a fuse as short as an eyelash. Had I taken the time to be attentive to the signals I was getting from my body and my spirit, I would have paused and figured out that a couple of days before, my daughter was sick and needed a lot of TLC day and night. I was exhausted and I didn’t get my usual weekend alone time that is really the primary fuel I need to be a Good Mama, let alone a Functional one. Because it was one of those gatherings that we could easily have missed without any epic consequences, my family would have been better served and I would have been a much more pleasant person, had I taken the time to care for myself.

I’d like to rephrase Lisa’s tip this way: To be life-giving, pay attention to the fruits you are producing and take care of the roots with great care.

By the way, I just wanted to remind you again of Lisa’s upcoming online course, Designed For Wellness, . Check it out and pass on the word if you know someone who might benefit from the class!

How are you paying attention to the fruits you are producing? How are you taking care of the roots that do the growing? If you enjoyed this article, feel free to tweet, share with your Facebook friends or link up! Thank you!

Friday Link-Love Theme: Love and Marriage and…Sex

August 27th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Nourishing Marriage 4 comments

Photo By Purple Matt Fish

I’ve always wondered why I hear so few mama bloggers write about their marriage and..sex. And I still do. Why is that?

I love talking about marriage and thinking about the different ways men and women relate and operate. And I love to dissect the psychology behind two people coming together intimately and faithfully forever and ever. My heart breaks over marriage on the rocks, about to break into a million pieces. The idea of marriage simply blows my mind away.

I always hear my pastor say that marriage is hard. And perhaps being that he is a marriage counselor as well, I am sure he has solid basis for that statement. But I think marriage is both hard and easy, and it just depends on where you both are in the journey. There are seasons when the dance flows much more smoother, and there are seasons you just want to sit it out altogether.

On a good day, I am married to a perfectly flawed man, whose strengths fill me up with gratitude and joy and whose weaknesses endear him to me even more. On a bad day, I can only see the argument and frustration and nothing else. Thankfully, we are learning how to have way way more good days than bad days. Staying married, and happily at that, is an art and skill after all.

So here are my top reading list for the week when it comes to love, marriage and…sex. Hope you all have a white-hot weekend (wink wink!)

My 5th Year Wedding Anniversary by Beth Stedman.
Beth is one of those people I instantly connected with after reading only a few posts on her blog. She lives in Prague with her hubby and kiddo, got married in Italy, makes her own Gelato, teaches Yoga and thinks of God as a she sometimes. Can we be friends in real life, please? Anyway, as part of celebrating her 5th year wedding anniversary, she has been devoting her blog to the topic of marriage this whole month. I thought that was awesome. I’m going to have to do that when it’s my turn for our 5th year next year!

Five Marriage Tips And One Life Lesson by Kathleen Quiring at Project M. Kathleen is also one of those kindred spirits and this is one of my favorite posts of hers because it summarizes perfectly many of my thoughts when it comes to marriage! As part of celebrating her 5th year wedding anniversary, she writes five marriage tips she has learned the past five years. I really can’t choose a favorite because I love them all!

Man Up/Woman Up: How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex by Dr. Corey Allan at A Simple Marriage. I love Corey’s no-nonsense approach to marriage. I also love how passionate he is about putting 100% into it. My favorite quote: “Marriage is more about becoming a better human than it is about the two people being happy. And when you keep things simple, you can experience more in marriage and life.” I’m all for simplicity and focusing on the essentials!

Now it’s your turn. How’s your marriage? I’d love to hear! And if you liked this article, kindly tweet to your tribe or your facebook friends? Thank you so much!

On Becoming Attached: The Route To Life

August 26th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting 2 comments - Tags: attachment parenting

Photo Courtesy of Orange Acid

This was originally posted Jan. 27, 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking back to how it all started.

Attachment Parenting Advocates get a lot of flack for getting too attached to their kiddos. And rightly so, because their babes are attached to their breasts and beds far too long that the parents find themselves and their identities deeply entangled with their children.

Okay, okay, so this is not true about all Attachment Parenting ~~fanatics~~ fans. But it certainly is true for me.

Yes, she is 18 months old and yes she is still nursing and yes she still sleeps right next to me. And yes, we are oh-so-very attached.

Call the parenting police quick, because my child will never learn to be independent and her mama is too attached to let go and find a real day job.

But here’s a question. What if this was the way to go, and we highly independent Americans got it wrong? What if independence is not what matters most ? What if it was about being attached, being connected to what is life-giving and nourishing ? What if we left it at the pursuit of Life and did away with the liberty and happiness part?

These days, we devalue attachment so much because it scares the hell out of us. Because it demands our vulnerability. Because it is so risky. Because we will care too darn much. Because we might lose ourselves. Because there is the possibility of being rejected, hurt, betrayed.

And so we love our independence. We think independence IS the key to Life. But I disagree. Maybe it is the key to liberty and happiness, but Life, not so much.

I watched Avatar recently with my husband, and while I didn’t agree with the entire premise of the story, the idea of our interconnectedness with Life struck a chord with me. That we don’t live as a one-man island, that our narratives are intertwined with each other, with the events in history and nature.

If your goal is Life, Attachment is key. If your goal is simply to be “free” and “happy,” then knock yourself out on being independent.

My desire for my daughter is nothing less than Life, with a big old capital L. I want her to know that Life doesn’t necessarily mean “freedom” or “happiness.” She may or may not experience those things in ways she wants, all the time. But she can experience Life by becoming attached to the Source. Right now she is learning that mama and papa are her life-giving sources. And when she is old enough, I hope she gets connected to Jesus, who is the Ultimate Life-Giving source, the human face and expression of God, by whom all Livings things were created and in whom all Living things hold together.

I’m not saying that every one ought to sleep with their little ones or nurse their babies until forever. All I’m saying is, independence is overrated. Don’t skimp on nourishing attachments. What else is Life but that?

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Is Your Work Changing The…Uhm…Hang On A Second

August 25th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation No comments

Photo By Eqqman

Last week, I started yet again another series here at A Nourishing Home called, A Nourishing Work series. I really wanted to have just one place to write down about my life at home, and I didn’t want to leave out my adventures in entrepreneurship because I know many moms are in that journey too.

And yet.

I feel like I’m losing focus once again.

A friend of mine left a comment on my Facebook page saying:

Vina, I’m really loving watching you grow your Nourishing Home/Self/Work.

While I basked in her comment, I couldn’t shrug the growing suspicion that my blog is morphing more and more about my own personal life and less about motherhood and family, as captured by the Home/Self/Work part of her comment. I mean, I have been writing more and more about taking care of myself and doing this Work I love but less and less about how I actually have been taking care of my home and my family.

Hmmmm.

And part of what I am learning in this entpreneurship gig is to have a laser-like focus on everything I am doing and producing. And this blog IS part of one of my business plans. And I really need to start treating it like a business, more than a hobby. Which means being more strategic thinking on my part.

Which is freakin’ harder than I thought.

So hang in there with me while I sort things out. I really want this blog to be a place for life-giving strategies and insights for mindful moms. I want this blog to be a source of valuable information on creating and maintaining a nourishing home for every person in our household as well as practical inspiration on ways we can also be households that impact our communities and the world in a positive way. It’s just that I have other passions I am so wanting to share with you, it’s hard to hold back. I might just have to find another place for those rockin’ ideas. Or I might have to retire this blog altogether.

I hate to be having this blog identity crisis in public like this, but I can’t have it anywhere else. And when I come out at the other end, you will be the benefactor of important lessons learned. Because what else do I do but share them with you?