Category: Authenticity + Vocation

Is Your Work Changing The…Uhm…Hang On A Second

August 25th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation No comments

Photo By Eqqman

Last week, I started yet again another series here at A Nourishing Home called, A Nourishing Work series. I really wanted to have just one place to write down about my life at home, and I didn’t want to leave out my adventures in entrepreneurship because I know many moms are in that journey too.

And yet.

I feel like I’m losing focus once again.

A friend of mine left a comment on my Facebook page saying:

Vina, I’m really loving watching you grow your Nourishing Home/Self/Work.

While I basked in her comment, I couldn’t shrug the growing suspicion that my blog is morphing more and more about my own personal life and less about motherhood and family, as captured by the Home/Self/Work part of her comment. I mean, I have been writing more and more about taking care of myself and doing this Work I love but less and less about how I actually have been taking care of my home and my family.

Hmmmm.

And part of what I am learning in this entpreneurship gig is to have a laser-like focus on everything I am doing and producing. And this blog IS part of one of my business plans. And I really need to start treating it like a business, more than a hobby. Which means being more strategic thinking on my part.

Which is freakin’ harder than I thought.

So hang in there with me while I sort things out. I really want this blog to be a place for life-giving strategies and insights for mindful moms. I want this blog to be a source of valuable information on creating and maintaining a nourishing home for every person in our household as well as practical inspiration on ways we can also be households that impact our communities and the world in a positive way. It’s just that I have other passions I am so wanting to share with you, it’s hard to hold back. I might just have to find another place for those rockin’ ideas. Or I might have to retire this blog altogether.

I hate to be having this blog identity crisis in public like this, but I can’t have it anywhere else. And when I come out at the other end, you will be the benefactor of important lessons learned. Because what else do I do but share them with you?

When Homemaking Gets In The Way Of Mothering

August 19th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Happiness + Growth, Keeping Home 3 comments

I totally forgot to post this yesterday, but I was over at Passionate Homemaking writing as usual, about Focusing On The Essentials. Please visit! It’s my most commented post ever!

I’m also declaring an early weekend for this blog, so until next Monday….

May You Be Nourished Well and Whole!

Is Your Work Changing The World? : Intro to Nourishing Work Series Part I, My Story

August 18th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation 2 comments - Tags: Nourishing Work

Photo By Eqqman

I’ve decided to devote Wednesdays to Nourishing Work (as part of a free e-book I am sloooowly working on, Motherhood, Meaning and Money.) You know, doing Work we Love, Work that Changes the World and Work that Changes Us. And of course, Work that Pays too. And handsomely at that. Nourishing Work is where Expression and Mission and Provision hang out with each other all day long. Do you have a work like that? Do you want to?

First, My Story:

For the longest time, way before becoming a mommy, I’ve thought long and hard and deep about what I wanted to do when I grow up. It was bordering obsession actually. I have notebooks upon notebooks of test results, introspection and insights, of dreams and desires. Most people were after happiness and me? I just wanted a True Vocation.

I knew it had something to do with writing and teaching and coaching and helping people. Which is why after college, I jumped at the chance of becoming a missionary. It fit my idealist way of thinking. I truly wanted to change the world, and I thought then that choosing Meaning over Money was The Only Way To Do It. The give-up-everything-you-have type of way.

And I loved it. I loved being in another culture. I loved learning the language. I loved pouring myself into people. I loved having a team. I loved the struggles. I loved growing. Of course I say that all now in retrospect and that I probably also had moments of wanting Something Else. Aaah. The Elusive Something Else.

The thing is, I had the elements of Mission and Expression but was sorely lacking in Provision. Which taught me a great deal about living simply, stuff that still carries over to how I live now. And for awhile, my choices of Vocation always had to do with Mission and Expression and a very laughable Provision, bordering ridiculous. Like the short time I served in Literacy Americorp, when we were given food stamps as part of our stipend because we were required to live on a poverty level. (And I didn’t finish my term NOT because of that, but because I had crazy mental issues, that I shall write about soon. Warming up to it.) Or like the time I worked as a rep for a mission agency, in which I had to raise half of my salary if I wanted to get paid a little bit more than minimum wage. Or like the time I snagged my dream job in which I get to help resettle refugees via volunteer coordination for $15/hr. My best paid job EVER.

After becoming a mom (another kind of Work with laughable Provision), I started to read about entrepreneurship and starting a business from home. I started reading all the books I can borrow from the library. And slowly, I wondered whether my paradigm for Work was lacking. And slowly, I started to question my sorry relationship with money. And at about the same time, my spiritual journey also slowly started to take a different turn. A much different turn from my days as an Evangelical Christian.

(To be continued…)

Pssst! Please visit my new Work With Me page where I will slowly unveil my superpowers! Know someone who might want to work with me? Please pass on the information!

Mommy Matters Challenge: How Do You Put Yourself First?

August 16th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Wellness + Self-Care 4 comments - Tags: mommy matters challenge, velveteen mama

By Adria Richards

It sounds utterly selfish doesn’t it. To ask how you put yourself first. But the fact that we have to ask ourselves this question is telling. Most of us moms, default to the opposite: of putting ourselves last. It sounds noble, after all. And instinctual. Once we cross over the line of birthing another human being, we are entrusted with the daily task of thinking about their well-being and attending to their needs.

BUT it is precisely because of this, that we must constantly ask ourselves this question: How am I putting myself first? Not in a self-absorbed way, but in a healthy life-giving way in which we attend to our own needs and well-being FIRST so we can attend to the needs and well-being of those we love.

Because, after all, we can’t give what we don’t have.

A truth I so often forget, until I have exhausted my resources and I’m forced to take care of myself once again. Part of what it means to be a Velveteen Mama is to admit to our needs and to plan for those needs to get met. Because honestly? No one else will do it for us. So here is the challenge: to daily find a way to put myself first, so I can give well and generously at that.

My goals:

To put myself first by embracing the new mercies of each day and being attuned to the Source and Giver of Life.
To put myself first by eating mindfully and well.
To put myself first by taking the time to get my body moving in a way that brings me joy (like NIA, which is awesome!)
To put myself first by doing what I love everyday: carving out time to read and write and learn about the stuff I am passionate about.
To put myself first by loving what I do everyday: delighting in my daily tasks and making an Art of whatever it is I am doing.
To put myself first by connecting with people who are breathe Life and Joy.

Now it’s your turn. Do you want to join in the Mommy Matters Challenge as part of the Velveteen Mama Tribe? How do YOU put yourself first? I would love to hear!

If you want to show your Velveteen Mama Pride, you can grab the Velveteen Mama button below and paste it on your blog! I’m going to try to figure out Mr. Linky one of these days so fellow bloggers who might want to joint the Mommy Matters Challenge and devote Mondays (or any days of the week) to writing about taking care of ourselves! Much Love, Vina

Truth-Telling Thursday On A Friday: I Just Thought You Should Know

August 13th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation 10 comments - Tags: truth telling

(That’s my foot, and that’s my favorite place in our neighborhood and that’s the best view of Seattle ever.)

So okay. I’m running a little behind. Wordless Wednesday on a Thursday? Truth-Telling Thursday On A Friday? Welcome to the story of my life.

On Blogging

But this is my blog, and I can do whatever I want here because I write for me. Kind of. But then again, this is sort of your blog too, and I write for you. And I am feeling flakey as a blogger these days because to be honest? I don’t know what kind of blogger I want to be. Do I try to be the inspirational kind, the insightful kind, the informational-uber-useful kind, the confessional kind, the non-conformist kind? I’m kinda all of the above I suppose, depending on which day.

Yes, My Many Colored Days. That Awesome and Infinitely Wise Book.

Some Days Are Yellow
Some Days Are Blue
On Different Days
I’m Different Too!

But I know some people SO do not dig that. I mean, who wants unpredictable? Who wants a constantly-changing blog with no particular “focus” whatsover? I mean, nourishing is pretty broad and you can make anything to mean something you want it these days. And really, who cares?

So why am I doing this again? OH yes, I have grand plans of becoming rich and famous online. I kid. I kid. Sort of.

On Mommy-ness Less

Some days I feel like I suck as a mom. Like, seriously. I should be fired from my job or at least get some sort of probation. Of course I’m probably being notoriously hard on myself because most days I know I am enough. But days like today, I mentally anguish over:

never having taken my little girl to the dentist
choosing not to vaccinate
not always winning the brush-your-teeth battle
giving N a little bit too much ice cream, like one a day the past few weeks!
not succeeding at potty-training

Stupid. I know. There are so many more pressing matters. And yet. I obsess.

I Don’t Dig This Full-Time Home-Making Gig

Yup, I don’t. Please don’t tell me I should be grateful that I get to stay at home, because I do, and yet I don’t. I love being a mommy and I love my family to pieces. But this whole stay-at-home mom and full-time-at-work dad model is starting to crumble before my eyes. I hear so much about professionalizing motherhood, but what about fatherhood? I hear of how a father’s job is to love the mother, and I’m like, really? That’s it? And where is this village that is supposedly required to raise a child?

Now my husband is an amazing father, let’s get that straight. But he works so much because the Burden of Provision falls entirely on him. And as a result, he doesn’t get to spend much time with our daughter during work-days. And as for me? I’m all about finding that one magical intersection where Motherhood and Meaning and Money meet and have a party. I’m itching to do my own Remarkable-Entrepreneur thing and unleash my superpowers and am worried sick that admitting to that might possibly kick me out of the Good-Mom Club, forever. And I hate that I care about being part of that club (who runs it anyway?) and yet I want it to be known hitherto that I make every dinners from scratch, still nurse to sleep, mostly buy wooden and nourishing toys, make playdoughs and do Montessori-stuff, don’t spank, nurture my child’s nature and so on and so forth. Yuck.

I am a Mom. I Love. And That’s Enough.

This Thing Called Humanity

And so it goes. The Cycle. Icky-But-Inevitable Cycle. When I tirelessly put my energies into doing the right thing. And then feeling drained and joyless. And then releasing my pent-up anxieties over my inability to be perfect. And then finding Life once again.

I remind myself. This is why this blog is called, A Nourishing Home, and not the Perfect Home. Nourishing is life-giving and it can be both beautiful and messy all at once. Who cares about being right? I’d pick nourishing any day.

Nourishing Rocks.

Which is why you need to subscribe and be a part of this nourishing community of velveteen mamas forever and ever. And so be it.

Written while listening to the Amazing Priscilla Ahn on my IPad, alone in the living room and waiting for my water to boil so I can make tea when I really would rather eat a heapful of ice cream. It’s 10:43 pm. And I should be heading to bed.

Telling The Truth – The Beginning of A Thursday Tradition ?

July 15th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Nourishing Moms 2 comments

Photo by Saaam

Since I’ve been on this Discovering-My-Authenticity+Art-Bit, I have focused a little too much on embracing our Beauty and Remarkability because, let’s face it, we often don’t. In general, people are more prone to focus on their weakness instead of their strength. We are often more kind to others than to ourselves. And I would say especially for women, who are often taking care of everyone else but them.

However.

This Live-Your-Best-Life and Rock-The-World-With-Your-Art Piece is only half truth. The other half of it is that We-Are-Human-And-Messy-And-Prone-To-Fickle-Fantasies-And-Defeating-Maladies-Of-Sort. We are made of both Mud and Glory in equal parts.

In order to overcome The Resistance in our Lives that keeps us from Shining our Lights brightly, we need a dose of BOTH TRUTH. ALL THE TIME. It’s a crazy paradox. If you only hear the GLORY part consistently, you run the danger of appearing to be Annoyingly Arrogant especially to others who often hear most of the MUD part. And vice versa. Most of us are well-versed in one or the other, and very few have made peace with the Resistance by remembering Both all at once, simultaneously. That we are capable of both Awesome and Awful.

I’m on a journey to be more Awesome than Awful. But let’s leave one day to confessing some of the ways that I’ve been Awful. Because it’s still my Truth. And Truth in whatever shape or form, is good.

So here’s to Telling The Truth here at A Nourishing Home. Perhaps the beginning of a Thursday Tradition? You tell me.

*******************

Today’s Truth Telling:

As I’ve been working on my Art and devoting a lot of time on my writing, I’ve been allowing my daughter to watch more shows than I’d like to admit. We rarely turn on the TV but I own an IPad as a gift from my husband (which makes for another story, because I told him I would never buy something like that in a million years and he still got me one!). And my little one has been watching Winnie The Pooh and Thomas the Train on it for about an average of an hour or more a day. In the past, I resort to Ipad-Watching when I am cooking and really need to focus on what I’m doing. But lately, I’ve been writing a lot and when I am still in the middle of writing something and naptime is over, I let her watch shows until I am done with my work.

Does this qualify me for a Bad Mother award? Oh well.

What do you think about Telling The Truth Thursdays? Are you in? By the way, we do lots of playtime outdoors, working on the garden and hanging out on the beach. This is how I justify letting her do the Ipad-Thing. I figured, even I watched A WHOLE LOT OF TV growing up, but I turned out pretty good. Awfully Awesome and Awesomely Awful. Yeah!

Blogging, I Can’t Quit You And Other Sorta Unplug Lessons

July 12th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation 2 comments - Tags: sorta unplug

Photo By Kristina B

So here I am, back to blogging. Apparently, two weeks is all I need to detox from the internet junk and figure out how to make Plugging in work for me. Want to hear stuff I learned from my Social Media Fast? Read on.

The Problem with Twitter and Facebook
A friend of mine who is participating in the Unplug Challenge captured my own frustration with Facebook:

I get all caught up in trying to think of cool updates or posting pictures that make me look “good,” “cool,” etc. – which is such an annoying teenager-y thing to still be doing at my age!!! I check up on “everyone” when I could be connecting to the people I love and care about and reading the handful of blogs and magazines that I am truly interested in.

And I couldn’t agree more. The geniuses behind Facebook understand the human propensity towards this high schoolish behavior, much like the creators of reality TV shows and the like. We dig the drama. And we get some emotional relief from the seeming ordinariness of our life when we have an awesome one-liner to say. I get suckered into this big time and I loath myself every time I do.

The problem with Facebook is that it assumes you care to follow these real life social connections you’ve had in the span of your short life. What? You were classmates in high school? You probably want to know what they did on Friday night or what they think about the weather or what they ate for lunch. It’s like signing up to follow the status quo. The same goes for Twitter when we follow someone who follows us, or just because we know them.

So let’s liberate these assumptions and figure out how we can best use these tools for our own good.

How I Plan To Use Twitter and Facebook
In real life, you only invest your time in people and things you care about. Why not apply that same principle to Twitter and Facebook (or anything that you allow in your life for that matter?) Life is not a popularity contest and it matters least how many friends you have or who ends up liking and commenting on your cool one-liner.

So I propose this: connect and follow without shame the people you truly deeply care about or those who have something truly deeply genuinely true + awesome + useful to say. Follow those who come bearing Gifts to inspire, inform and sure, entertain. And then, be a person worthy of connection and a following. Be a person who offers something worth listening to. It’s a noisy world out there. Let’s not add to the busy mindless chit-chat. We have more productive world-changing things to do.

Why I Can’t Quit Blogging
Have you read any of Seth Godin’s books? Oh my. You really should. Seriously. Especially his latest one, Linchpin. I borrowed mine from the library but I think I am going to have to buy it. His ideas are golden. And his message is simple: We are all artists. And he reminds me often that I have something GREAT and WORTHWHILE to offer to the world. That the world needs me to be remarkable, to be the wonderfully and fearfully created me 100%. That my gifts are something only I alone could give. Yah, I know we’ve all heard that before, but he says it in a new language that resonates with where I am. So I am all Love for Seth Godin.

And I know that when I’m not being acutely aware of my blog stats, and I’m just lost in this moment of creating the best ideas I have to offer to the world, blogging becomes my way of being awesome to the world, to YOU. And so I shall blog.

So how are we liking the new look? I know, me too. I love the header but I miss my old minimalist look. Still trying to find a frugal minimalist design option somewhere. I’m experimenting and doing some tweaking on this blog so please pardon us if the site is down for a few minutes here and there. I have lots of new things in store that I can’t wait to share with you all! Hope you are all enjoying this slow and beautiful season that is Summer!

Confessions: Making Room For What Is Dying To Be Born (Or My Real Reason For Slowing Down and Unplugging)

June 23rd, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Faith + Spirituality, Nourishing Moms 4 comments - Tags: confessions, dying to be born

Photo By TeeJayBee

I was looking for a photo of yet another person with a mask on, to go along with this blog post. Have you noticed my preoccupation with masks? I finally have, thank goodness. And it’s sort of related to why I’ve been attracted to slowing down considerably and have decided to unplug (sorta) from the Matrix the next couple of months.

I’m ready to unmask. Or even better:

I’m ready to be reborn.

For the past six months, I’ve been writing about the stuff I think would make for a nourishing home. I’ve focused on learning how to be a more nourishing cook, how to be a more nourishing mother and a wife, and of course a more nourishing citizen of this world. I’ve busted my chops on trying to be all of these things and frankly, I am quite exhausted. From anxiety that I ought to be learning how to make my own sourdough starter and yogurt, that I ought to be using toxin-free everything in my life, that I ought to be always examining my spending choices in light of other people’s well-being, that I ought to be always downsizing, decluttering and simplifying my life even more, that I ought to do all these crafty and structured educational stuff with my child, or that I ought to be a more playful, more peaceful, more mindful, more attached parent, more of whatever else, that I ought to _________________________ (fill in the blank.)

The more people subscribe to this blog, the more I feel is at stake. The more worried I am about who is reading what, the further away I go from who I truly am, or at least who I truly want to be. And that is SO not nourishing.

The truth is, I’ve been feeling a growing kind of suffocation from being a stay-at-home mom and living a more domestic life. I’ve been struggling with this truth, unable to admit to it because it sounds like admitting I am a terrible mom. And so I project onto this blog what my ideal image is of a “good mother” to compensate for how “bad of a mother” I feel in real life. Hence, the growing disconnect.

:: Pause ::

Yes, I still believe in simplicity, in eating real foods, in living more sustainably, in parenting authentically. But I no longer am passionate about calling people to those things. For now. Because I’m learning that in the end, all of these things don’t matter much if they don’t come from the Core of who you are. And I’m feeling quite lost at the moment.

A Nourishing Home Starts With A Nourishing Me
Last week, I wrote about learning to love myself, and frankly, it is only the beginning of this new journey that absolutely terrifies me. Lots of my old paradigm of how the world works and much of my life constructs are about to be blown into miniscule pieces of nothingness as I keep putting one foot in front of the other in this narrow path I find myself on. My ideas of happiness, of wholeness, of abundance and emptiness, of complicated simplicity, of who I should be and who I truly am deep inside, of my readiness to suspend my system of belief and question everything I’ve held True since I was young, to finally put myself first instead of last, to admit to drowning in the everyday domesticity no matter how hard I try….to admit to every one of these things feel like I make my blog (and my life) to be nothing but one big giant lie.

And so I step back. And make room for something in my life that is on its way to die. So there could be room for something else to be born. I don’t know exactly what, but I know it will be beautiful.

So stay with me as I slow down and unplug. I only want my blog to be as True as I am, but to do that, I really need to start being True to me first.

If only I could hole up like all caterpillars do
and emerge out like a butterfly.
But I could, and I will.
Only, I can’t completely disappear.
Real life is still here.
With loved ones near. And the dishes waiting.
So I keep breathing.
Hopeful for some restoring
And a lot of peeling
of the old me
trying to gasp for air
Fighting to live
But I’m done fighting
I’m surrendering
To the magic of becoming
Transcending
The Lies and The Shoulds
The Petty Platitudes
Until there is nothing left
But
Me.

Learning To Love Yourself: Why Self-Love Is So Darn Hard

June 14th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Faith + Spirituality, Happiness + Growth, Nourishing Moms 7 comments - Tags: loving yourself, self-love

Photo By Krystn Palmer

I suspect I might have some readers who might be put off by my title and I had to think long and hard about this post. I almost feel like I’m risking losing about half of my subscribers if not more. (Maybe I’m just paranoid!) But I trust in your graciousness and open minds as I work through this one. Since this blog is primarily about two things: (1) simplicity, or embracing the essentials and doing away with the rest, and (2) authenticity, or embracing the Truth of who you are, I am hoping that you’ll give me the benefit of the doubt that self-love falls within these two categories. And that my ability to nourish my family well is in intimate proportion to my ability to love myself. For I can only truly and generously love others to the extent that I love me.

The Struggle To Love Me
I’ve been writing a lot recently about authenticity, and doing a lot of soul searching as to what this means for my life. My pastor today spoke on supernatural forgiveness, and he shared a quote by C.S. Lewis that stayed with me longer than I wanted it to:

I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.

There is nothing in me that rebels against that statement. I know it to be absolutely true, and I’m not sure that I have a big issue with forgiveness. What I undeniably and painfully struggle with is loving myself. Even saying that chokes me up and makes me feel really uncomfortable. What? Love myself? That sounds so narcissistic, so un-Godly, so selfish. I grew up repressing my God-given needs and desires and was taught that I ought to put people before myself always. Constantly deferring to other people’s wishes and never having a voice of my own. Becoming extremely adept at listening to other people all the while never asserting my need to be listened to. As a result, I grew up into an adult tragically disconnected from what truly makes me come Alive. Even the decision of what I want to eat for dinner was potentially paralyzing. I was THAT clueless of who I am.

But lately, I’ve been coming to grips with how ridiculously self-righteous this is.

The Self-Righteousness of Not Loving Yourself
Back to C.S. Lewis quote, changed up a bit:

I think that if God loves us we must love ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him

If the Great I am, who has an exceptional record of Perfection, thinks I’m worthy of Love, how I can deem myself unworthy of it? By refusing to love myself, I’m essentially saying that the standards I have to meet to be worthy of Love is much much higher than God’s. And if my standards are higher than Perfection himself, what does that make me? Way Better Than Perfect? See how ridiculous self-righteous it is?

My theory is that when we grow up only accepted and affirmed when we do right and behave right, rightness becomes our obsession. Because truth be told, we want nothing else but to be accepted and embraced and celebrated and valued. We want nothing else but to be loved. And so when the feeling of being loved hinges on meeting certain standards and conditions, we will do everything in our power to keep meeting those standards and conditions. To Hell With Everything. We are created for Love and we will fight to the end to get that. Even if it’s just an illusion of the Genuine Thing.

Moving From Self-Righteousness to Self-Love
The second greatest commandment that Jesus taught in the Sacred Texts is to Love Your Neighbor as You Love Yourself. We also have the Golden Rule which goes,” Treat Others As You Would Like To Be Treated.” If you love yourself crap, how can you love above that? If you treat yourself crap, how can you treat others beyond that? Loving others become a way to get love back, which never works. We can sure fake our way into loving others better than we love ourselves and deny the growing disconnect by distracting ourselves with food, TV and all sorts of addictions, or do it with sheer will power while stuffing our feelings in, only to one day blow up and tell everyone in your life to piss off. I did the latter about several years ago. I can 100% say that this is not the route you want to go.

So how do we move from self-righteousness to self-love? I quote one of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning. He is deeply authentic and his raw honesty often strip me uncomfortably naked, with nowhere to go to but the Truth.

If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. If I am estranged from myself, I am likewise a stranger to others.”

To know that we are deeply Loved infinitely, unconditionally, eternally. To base our worth in our identity as Beloved whatever our past, however our present and wherever our future. Great. I’m sold. But how?

Paying Attention To The Evidence
For so long, I thought this meant simply to tell myself that God loves me, and that he has proven this by sending Jesus to the cross and dying for me. I get that. And I believe that it is true. Sometime in college, this healed me and liberated me to momentarily let go of my self-righteousness and trust in my Belovedness that I boldly went on a crazy adventure in China. But this journey called Life is never linear and progressively perfect. Instead it is unpredictable and messy. And for each new season in our lives, we might need a new way to see our Belovedness, a new kind of evidence that speaks to us in our now to tell us strongly and boldly that yes, we are Beloved.

We just have to pay attention.

These days, I find the Fierce Love of God outside the walls of church, outside the faith community that I had looked to for support all these years, and outside the traditions of the faith I’ve grown up in. I’m finding this Belovedness in being completely and utterly human: in birthing and mothering the child my husband and I bore out of Love, in moments of deep intimate connections with my husband, in turning flour into bread and an assortment of stuff into sustenance on the table, in rediscovering the delight of drawing with my fingers on the sand or watching ants on the sidewalk an infinite number of times with wonder and amazement as my child does, in the beauty of Others who are pursuing authentic Joy in radical ways, in seeing seeds push their way out of the ground into a hunkering giant of a vine, in letting my body move freely and mindfully to music. I’m finding my Belovedness in being mindful of what gives me joy and delight, what energizes me and makes me come alive. When I pay attention to these cues that tell me how wonderfully and mindfully unique this world was created, when I make space to honor these cues that tell me how wonderfully and mindfully unique I was created, then I feel a little bit closer to loving myself authentically, a bit more closer to the way God loves us all: truthfully aware, yet fully accepting.

Moving From Self-Righteousness to Self-Love is about letting go of judgments of ourselves and our need to prove ourselves worthy. It’s about unfolding, accepting, embracing, yielding to A Force Bigger Than Us, melting into A Love That Won’t Let Go. A Love that is grounded in knowing who we truly are, the good and the bad, the mundane and the important, and in trusting that all of that is Embraced wholly. And when we are able to love ourselves in this way, we are truly free to love others without fear or conditions.

The great paradox is this: Loving Ourselves becomes a Selfless Act.

Will you join me in this journey of learning to love ourselves radically so we can love each other wholly? I hope to meet more of you who are in a similar journey. Please share! And I leave you all with this quote from one of my favorite books, The Sacred Romance:

“Whatever form each of our own intimate adventures has taken in our fantasies, or in “real life,” this Sacred Romance is set within all our hearts and will not go away. It is the core of our spiritual journey. Any religion that ignores it survives only as a guilt induced legalism, a set of propositions to be memorized and rules to be obeyed.

Someone or something has romances us from the beginning with creek-side singers and pastel sunsets, with the austere majesty of snow capped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something – or someone – leaving with a promise to return. These things can, in an unguarded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost; someone or something only our hearts recognizes.

Our Nourishing Family Philosophy Part 2: Simple + Authentic

June 10th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation No comments - Tags: authentic, authenticity, family mission statement, family philosophy, simple, simplicity

Photo By Yelnoc

Last week, I started a series to explain Our Nourishing Family Philosophy and focused on the Natural + Holistic values we bring into our child-rearing practices. Today, we’ll look into our love for simplicity and deep longing for authenticity in our home and how we hope to bless our child with these.

But before I go on to part 2, I feel the need to say a couple things: (1) That these values we so hope to flood our home with are our ideal. I am not writing to convince anyone that they should adopt these values whatsoever. I do believe that having a family philosophy hashed out somewhere in your mind or in paper (or in a public blog like this) is essential to becoming the “best” parent you can be. And by best, I don’t mean in comparison to others, but simply the kind of parent that mirrors your best strengths and gifts your child will benefit greatly from. (2) These are ideals and not necessarily our daily reality, although this is what we try to give our energies to with our utmost. And we find the best remedy when ideals are not met is to laugh at your attempts for even trying. And of course, ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better.

So here we go:

Nourishing A Simple Family

Simplicity to me means a focus on what’s essential and free of all that is unnecessary. It is almost synonymous to being natural in my book. Most of what is natural is also simple, but not all things simple are natural. But they sure go hand in hand. When I think of what I need to learn as a mother, I think of what is truly important and do away with the peripheral. Because there are so many secondary things that vie for our attention and we only have a limited amount of that available. In order to avoid burning out, focusing on what is most important in our lives and eliminating the superflous is, well, important.

For example, these days so many mothers try to teach their babies sign language right away. I honestly struggled with this, and I know some ASL (American Sign Language) from a course I took in high school. As a new mom, there were more important things for me to focus on, like breastfeeding and taking care of myself so I can take care of my family. Baby sign took away from that. Another thing to think about. And then I thought of whether this is something my baby really needed. And I think, not necessarily. She’ll learn to talk, words will come. I’d rather focus my limited energies on the unseen aspect of communication, which is beyond the scope of this post. I imagine baby sign to be a temporary solution to creating truly healthy communication between baby and parents (which is what they are trying to enhance some), and that the return does not outweigh the investment I have to put in it. I’ll have to write another post just for Baby Sign Language, but in my book, it does not simplify things in our home.

What about you? Does simplicity resonate with your values and lifestyle? I’d love to hear about your story!

Nourishing An Authentic Family

I’ve written a few articles on authentic mothering: on discovering our strengths, on how it unravels and unmasks us, on focusing on our positives, personality and passions, as well as raising authentic children. Authentic for me means living out of my unique core, the stuff that sets me apart from the rest of the world or whatever makes me, well, me. I’m not an authenticity expert, but I’m on this journey of discovering who I truly am, recovering parts of me I’ve lost, embracing all of me, and offering it all without shame. I grew up sort of like a chameleon in that I take on other people’s personalities in hopes of being liked and accepted (I overused my gift of empathy, I think) and I’m finally figuring out that this is not the best way to live! I’ve always wrestled with this nagging sense of unwanted-ness (is that even a word?) and have spent way too much energy trying to figure out the root cause of it (not that it’s not helpful, just too time consuming) instead of simply changing the way I think about myself. So bringing authenticity to every parts of my life is one of my most important projects right now because it’s a gift I want to offer to my daughter. Feeling ashamed of who you are is a very rotten way to live. And an exhausting one too.

How this looks like in my life right now is paying attention to what gives me energy, and making more space for whatever that is to happen more in my life. Running is one of those things, as well as spending time outdoors. Time flies so quickly and passes quite magically when I can feel the wind on my skin and breathe fresh air into my lungs. Writing is also one of those things, hence this blog. Reading really good books and watching really good movies are also top favorites. I’m also recovering parts I have lost that bring me Life. I love to dance, sing and travel. I am also really really good at listening to people who need to process the hard stuff in their life without judgement. When I’m able to do these things on a regular basis (or at least dream of integrating them back in my present), I immediately feel excited and hopeful. And not surprisingly I notice how much better of a wife and mother I become.

What about you? What does authenticity mean to you? How does it show up in your journey as a mother? Come back for Part 3 in this series next Thursday!