Category: Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting

Sometimes I Wonder…

September 8th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting One comment - Tags: mindful mothering

This Motherhood Gig is Absolutely Insanely Blessed. And Righteously Crazy.

Every time I get to kiss my little girl’s boo-boo (of which she loves to recount over and over how she got it), or nurse her to sleep at night or hold her precious little hands as we go on yet another walk , I wonder how long the joy will last. Because there’s too much, and my teeny weary heart is not used to the amounts of love that goes through it each day. And it almost hurts.

Because of her.

I wonder…how is it possible that I can love this much?

And would this love be enough?

And is love really, hands-down, the only thing needed ?

And whether at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how organized and clean our house is, or how delicious and healthy our dinner is, or how well-planned and elaborate our play and activities are…

if she didn’t feel loved?

And then I wonder, if motherhood is a whole lot simpler than we make it out to be?

And how really useless it is to worry ourselves to death with so much,

when all motherhood asks for us…

is to mother with our whole heart?

And then I wonder…

To what end, really, is this motherhood gig for?

I mean, of course it’s about watching and praying and hoping and loving your children to growth and maturity and….then they leave and go. And all of a sudden, our whole-hearted loving is no longer central in their lives.

And so I wonder.

Is this motherhood gig, in all its absolute insanity and blessedness delight, a gift not just for my children, but uhm, for me?

To teach me how to love…whole-heartedly?

May it be so.

What about you? What are some things you wonder about motherhood?

Goodness of Fit: Nurturing Our Child’s Nature

September 7th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child One comment

Editor’s Note: This was originally published in February 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking back to how it all started. I’m really thinking through the future of A Nourishing Home, so please bear with me. Hope you all had a lovely weekend like we did!

The other day, I was reading a lovely post by Jamie at Steady Mom on raising strong-willed children and it made me think about the Goodness of Fit theory and why it matters.

What is Goodness of Fit?
Here is the official definition, taken from the book, Goodness of Fit: Clinical Applications, From Infancy through Adult Life:

“Goodness of Fit results when the properties of the environment and its expectations and demands are in accord with the organism’s own capacities, characteristics and style of behaving. When consonance between organism and environment is present, optimal development in a progressive direction is possible.”

Okay, now in everyday terms:

Most parents have this intuitive sense of providing the best environment for their child. For example, new parents set up the nursery before the baby comes and try to make it as lovely as possible. We read books, scores of books and get ourselves ready for the task of caring for a new child. We even go to classes, talk to other moms, get all the baby gear we think we need (and most of them we actually dont’!) So it doesn’t seem like a topic we need to be reminded of, since it’s something we are inclined to do without even trying.

What it isn’t: Providing the “Perfect Environment”

The problem is that these days, it translates to exposing our infants to Baby Einstein, to Gymboree Classes, to strollers hooked with MP3 players and speakers for a much more soothing ride, ridiculous expensive shoes before they even learn to walk, and so much more. It’s easy to laugh at these attempts, but in one way or another, most of us find it a hard inclination to overcome. And underneath the surface, all it means is that parents want what is best for their children.

But We Miss One Big Simple Point

One of the things this theory boils down to that I want to focus on today, is to nurture your child’s nature. Your child has to be the starting point. Because your child, although impressionable, comes with his/her own innate “capacities, characteristics and style of behaving.” The environment, meanwhile, is something that we can shape to an extent. And that environment includes US, mainly, our attitudes and expectations for our children.

My Experience

As a new mom, I remember many times that I’ve had to apologize for my little girl when I shouldn’t have to. That she is somewhat cautious and reserved towards strangers. That she takes awhile time to feel safe and familiar in a new environment. That she is very attached to mom and finds comfort primarily when I am near her. But this is part of who she is, and by apologizing for her, I am invalidating her essence instead of celebrating the gift of who she is. Her cautious and reserved nature is a wonderful quality to have and when nourished rightly, will be a gift to many. Her cautious and reserved nature is much needed in this world of the hasty and the extroverted. Her cautious and reserved nature is not worse or better, just different from what we often extol.

And so I’m learning that as a mother, perhaps one of the most important tasks I have is to nurture my daughter’s nature. To truly embrace her for who she is and give her the space to fully grow into the person she is supposed to be. Not who I want her to be. I am perhaps a pretty major chunk of that environment that will have to adjust attitudes and expectations every so often so that her natural God-given strengths can fully flourish.

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On Becoming Attached: The Route To Life

August 26th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting 2 comments - Tags: attachment parenting

Photo Courtesy of Orange Acid

This was originally posted Jan. 27, 2010. As part of me figuring out where to take this blog, I’m looking back to how it all started.

Attachment Parenting Advocates get a lot of flack for getting too attached to their kiddos. And rightly so, because their babes are attached to their breasts and beds far too long that the parents find themselves and their identities deeply entangled with their children.

Okay, okay, so this is not true about all Attachment Parenting ~~fanatics~~ fans. But it certainly is true for me.

Yes, she is 18 months old and yes she is still nursing and yes she still sleeps right next to me. And yes, we are oh-so-very attached.

Call the parenting police quick, because my child will never learn to be independent and her mama is too attached to let go and find a real day job.

But here’s a question. What if this was the way to go, and we highly independent Americans got it wrong? What if independence is not what matters most ? What if it was about being attached, being connected to what is life-giving and nourishing ? What if we left it at the pursuit of Life and did away with the liberty and happiness part?

These days, we devalue attachment so much because it scares the hell out of us. Because it demands our vulnerability. Because it is so risky. Because we will care too darn much. Because we might lose ourselves. Because there is the possibility of being rejected, hurt, betrayed.

And so we love our independence. We think independence IS the key to Life. But I disagree. Maybe it is the key to liberty and happiness, but Life, not so much.

I watched Avatar recently with my husband, and while I didn’t agree with the entire premise of the story, the idea of our interconnectedness with Life struck a chord with me. That we don’t live as a one-man island, that our narratives are intertwined with each other, with the events in history and nature.

If your goal is Life, Attachment is key. If your goal is simply to be “free” and “happy,” then knock yourself out on being independent.

My desire for my daughter is nothing less than Life, with a big old capital L. I want her to know that Life doesn’t necessarily mean “freedom” or “happiness.” She may or may not experience those things in ways she wants, all the time. But she can experience Life by becoming attached to the Source. Right now she is learning that mama and papa are her life-giving sources. And when she is old enough, I hope she gets connected to Jesus, who is the Ultimate Life-Giving source, the human face and expression of God, by whom all Livings things were created and in whom all Living things hold together.

I’m not saying that every one ought to sleep with their little ones or nurse their babies until forever. All I’m saying is, independence is overrated. Don’t skimp on nourishing attachments. What else is Life but that?

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The Real Challenge of Motherhood Is This: Growing Up And Keeping Childlike All At Once

August 9th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Happiness + Growth, Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting 3 comments - Tags: balance, motherhood, tension

I’ve talked often about not wanting balance in my life a countless times. And how I would rather learn how to live gracefully with the Tension. (And by tension, I don’t mean stress and chaos. But the kind of tension required on a string of an instrument to make a pitch-perfect note. The right kind and the right amount of pressure applied at the right time.) And one of those Tensions I’m discovering these days is the Tension between growing up and keeping childlike.

Growing Up
To become a parent is to grow up like a million times over. We plunge into this world of Caring For Another Human Being all the while learning to keep our sanity and joy intact. If THIS does not mature us, I don’t know what else will. But often, we get so hung up in being responsible and taking care of our children and protecting them and teaching them all sorts of wonderful things that we forget the other side of the Tension.

Keeping Childlike
In which we reconnect with our curiosity and playfulness and wonder. In which we see the world through our children. In which we slow down considerably and honor our little people by learning from them and becoming like them sometimes. In which messiness and exploration and monotonous repetition are the awesome stuff that life is made of. In which we learn to go back to the simple and the true: that time holds still when you are fully present and in the moment, as your child experiences life this way every single minute of the day.

The ability to know which to way to go and when is an art I want to master. Some days I keep childlike when I ought to be growing up and vice versa. But oh, this is the real challenge of motherhood, isn’t it? May we persist and learn through it well.

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A Mother’s Work

July 29th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child 3 comments - Tags: being present, motherhood

Today, my daughter and I had the most fun-filled spontaneous day ever. At least it was for me. And we didn’t have to spend a single dime.

We started out the day hanging out in our pajamas and taking our sweet time eating breakfast and getting ready for the day. A little bit of chores here and there with some 80’s music in the background. The weather was too cool for a beach day so I strapped her on to the trailer and I braved hauling her around on my bike for the very first time. Of course we didn’t venture far from our neighborhood. Our destination was the playground three blocks from our house, but we took the long scenic route. I wanted to get the feel of riding my bike with her behind me before we explored further out. But that was just the beginning of fun.

There was nobody else at the playground, which meant TOTAL FREEDOM to do whatever we wanted. I decided that instead of watching her play by herself, I was going to be fully present and play. Like, really play. Something I don’t always do, especially when there are other people around.

We had a blast. She insisted on pushing me down the big slide and she insisted on going by herself without Mama’s help. I swung on the monkey bars (or at least tried to) while she laughed at me. We rolled around the grass, chased each other until we were laughing so hard that we had to stop, and had our lunch in the sun with birds for company. A seeming ordinary day that felt extra-ordinary, because I chose to be Present.

Is this really my day job?

It so is.

THIS is my life’s work for now. In which keeping the house squeaky clean is completely optional.

Our Nourishing Family Philosophy Part 1: Natural + Holistic

June 3rd, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child 4 comments - Tags: family mission statement, family philosophy

Photo By Catface 3

Some days I feel lost as to what I am doing as a stay-at-home mama. And it’s usually when I hear of a neat idea that someone else is doing and I get sidetracked wanting to try it. And there’s something good about this trial and error way of going about things. I like discoveries and novelty. But I also think that there is merit in deciding what values you want to build on in your parenting and go from there. I have an idea of what these values are but perhaps by writing them down and declaring them would help me keep to these values when there’s an exciting proposition in front of me. Or at least have something by which I can weigh those propositions against. Of course, I’d like to keep these somewhat fluid because life happens and people change. Having a core is good, but the right flexibility makes things even better. Some people call this a Family Mission Statement, but I’d rather call it our Family Philosophy because there’s something about the use of the word “mission” that doesn’t sit well with me. More on that later! This is Part 1 of 5 in Our Nourishing Family Philosophy. Come back for the rest every Thursday for the month of June!

Part 1: Natural + Holistic
Part 2: Simple + Authentic
Part 3: Attachment + Freedom
Part 4: Playful + Peaceful
Part 5: Creative + Generous

Nourishing A Natural Family
Right after my first child was born, I started a blog called, The Natural Momma Project, Motherhood Without Additives. I was learning so much about natural pregnancy, natural birth and natural ways of taking care of your baby that my focus naturally was, well, natural. I was desperate to find alternatives to the conventional advice dispensed to new mothers because they did not resonate with me. The more I researched, the more I was drawn to “natural parenting” but I know that term means different things to different people. So here is what it means to me:

Intelligent Design/God. I learned to trust in the way my body was designed to nurture my child in my womb for nine months, as it was designed to give birth naturally. It’s very sad for me to see our culture shift from a respect of God’s Design (or Intelligent Design if you don’t believe in God) to trusting in whatever is new at the moment. We give little thought to what unnecessary C-sections, Birth Control Pills, and all sorts of drugs do to our bodies, and to the life we hope to nurture within these bodies. There is much to be learned from the Natural Design of things, of our bodies, of our babies that we really will do well to pay attention. Much of what ails us today come from deviating from the Natural Design of things. My faith in God’s wisdom inherent in His design drives me to look beyond conventional wisdom and find natural alternatives for living and parenting, as best as I could. This includes but is not limited to: eating natural and real foods, planning for our family without use of drugs, giving birth naturally, breastfeeding as long as we can, examining the basis of the current vaccination recommendations, exploring alternative medicine, trusting our child’s curiosity and desire to learn, connecting her to nature in our everyday life.

Maternal and Paternal Instincts. Very much tied in to God’s design is learning to trust in my own instincts as a mother. Sure, there is a lot to learn about parenting and the wisdom of those who have gone before me is very much needed. But equally so is the wisdom deep Within me. I equate this to God’s Spirit alive and well in me, directing my consciousness when I yield. A Voice, gentle and quiet, that I have to practice being still to hear. Especially in this day and age when there is too much noise to sift through. This includes but is not limited to: knowing what advice to listen to or dump, following my heart, going with my gut, embracing my intuition, learning to be still, trusting my Inner Guide over any expert any time.

Nurturing The Nature. I wrote about nurturing our child’s nature before and I am learning that a child truly flourishes when we respect the way they are and not change them into who we (or our society) want to be. It’s not easy and I have to be constantly mindful of my own expectations for my daughter. Getting to know her and the talents she brings into this world is one of my most important tasks, so I can give her the space to grow into and offer to the world the best version of herself. This includes but is not limited to: understanding her perspective, appreciating her strengths, embracing her personality, being gracious with her weaknesses.

Nourishing A Holistic Family
I am not a fan of seeing things in a linear and one-dimensional fashion. I like to look at things wholly. Forest for the trees, as they say. But it doesn’t mean I ignore the trees and the shrubs etcetera because they are essential too. I just like to approach things holistically because then I have a grander perspective in which to fit the everyday details of life. Holistic parenting to me means:

Whole Persons. My own mother was a great physical nurturer, but perhaps because I was such a sensitive child among many other factors in our family life, there was a big emotional disconnect, which we try now to bridge. I’m quite the opposite in that I tend to focus on the inner side of life – the emotions, the spirit and the mind. Mothering has brought out the physical nurturer in me that is still lacking very greatly. But I’m learning and growing and trying. The natural parenting part of my philosophy has helped me care for my child in so many ways that would otherwise have been a more difficult struggle for me. But learning to be responsive to the physical needs of my daughter still wears on me.

Whole Family. Sometimes, parenting becomes all about the mother’s relationship with the child and dad becomes peripheral. Or the family is completely child-led in that the needs and wants of the child always trumps everyone else’s. I’d like to shoot for a family-centered approach where each person and each relationship is equally important. It’s definitely not easy. Dad, mom and child have unique needs that need to be creatively met simultaneously. Dad + mom’s relationship, dad + child’s relationship, mom + child’s relationship and sibling + sibling relationship are also all unique yet equally important.

Whole Community. Lastly, we really want to raise our family within the context of a Much Greater Family. There is our extended family, our neighborhood, our friends, our faith community, and the Global Village that we are connected to. Sometimes it’s easy to get sucked into thinking that this is just about us and that parenting rests completely on mommy and daddy’s shoulders. We’re still figuring this one out, but this is definitely an ideal in our book. (A big part of me wants to move overseas and live as an expat again, where community seems to come more readily, at least in my experience. Maybe it’s just the Seattle Chill, or perhaps my own strong introversion and sensitivity but I’ve found it extremely difficult to find a community I feel at home in apart from my experience living in the Philippines or overseas.)

That’s all I have for now. I’d love to hear your thoughts. What are your parenting/family philosophies? Have you written them down somewhere? Do share! And come back for the rest of this series or better yet subscribe via email or RSS so you won’t miss a thing!

On Practicing Hospitality: Spaces and Freedom

May 24th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child One comment - Tags: practicing hospitality

Photo By ThatJonJackson

Last Thursday, I wrote On Practicing Hospitality Part 1: Our Children As our Most Important Guests. Today, I wrap up with how seeing our children as our most important guests can (1) help us give the spaces essential for our children and (2) provide us the freedom that we need to grow in as parents.

On Practicing Hospitality: Offering Spaces For Our Children

Our Children As Strangers Whom We Have Get To Know.
Just because we give birth to them doesn’t mean we automatically know who they are. Or that they have to be like us. They have their own style, rhythm and own capacities for good and evil and most of all, they cannot be explained by looking at us. They may share similar physical features and a last name, but it may be some of the very few things we share with them. They are their own person. And sometimes, this is a bit hard for us parents. We have expectations for them to be just like us. But this is not how we treat guests. Good hosts respect and honor their guest’s individuality.

Our Children As Having Their Own Story To Discover and Write
Henri Nouwen writes, “Children carry a promise with them, a hidden treasure that has to be led into the open through education in a hospitable home.” I like that image. A promise and a hidden treasure. Just like when we welcome guests in our house: we don’t impose their narrative on them, but we graciously listen and let them come as they are. But when it comes to parenting, our agenda often gets in the way of our children finding their treasure within. We want so badly for their stories to turn out certain ways.

Our Children As Guests We Respond To, Not Possessions We Are Responsible For
We often think we are responsible for our children. We are not. We are only responsible for our own choices in our own lives, just as they do, young as they are. What we are responsible for then is for how we choose to respond to them as they grow up. This is what we must account for at the end of their time in our care. Their choices are theirs to own up to. And ours is ours.

On Practicing Hospitality: Simple Freedom In Our Parenting

We are simply to learn how to love our children. This frees from any need to make them into our own image. Loving them in unique ways that speak to only them may not come to us readily and it’s okay. We have the rest of our time with them to learn. We only need to be open to loving them in forms and means that may not come naturally to us.

We are simply to offer a safe space for our children. We don’t have to be supermoms. We don’t have to be the moms who make everything from scratch all the time or keep the house super clean always. We don’t have to be perfect parents. But we are called to give them a home, a place that is receptive to who they are and the unique ways they receive love. A place where they can discover what is good, and what is not. Where they can grow and blossom into who they are called to be. That is all we are asked.

We are simply to receive our children into our lives, care for them until it is time for them to leave.
Isn’t it quite liberating to think that what our children chooses to do is not our responsibility? We simply model for them how to make good choices and be responsible for those choices. We “train” them everytime we choose Life in our everyday. We simply need to be a good host who is not only able to receive our guests with honor and offer the all the care they need but also to let them go when their time to leave has come.

What do you think? Does this approach to parenting ring true to you? Or not? Do share your thoughts! And if you liked this article, feel free to share with your friends (but please do link back here!) If you haven’t yet, subscribe now so you won’t miss future posts!

On Practicing Hospitality: Our Children As Our Most Important Guests

May 20th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child 4 comments - Tags: mindful parenting

Photo By Ayashok

When we think of hospitality, we often think of having company over for dinner. They can be friends or strangers, but we often mean it in terms of opening our homes for Others. But how many of us think of parenting as a way to practice hospitality? Few, perhaps. I never really considered it at all, until I became a parent myself.

One of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen, has this to say about hospitality in his book, Reaching Out:

Hospitality is the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. It is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines. It is not to lead our neighbor into a corner where there are no alternatives left, but to open wide a spectrum of options for choice and commitment. It is not an educated intimidation with good books, good stories and good works, but the liberation of fearful hearts so that words can find root and bear ample fruit. It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to others to find their God and their way.

I’m sure many of us would agree to this definition of hospitality. I love how he extends it beyond the physical act of opening our homes, but more of the spaces in our hearts and souls. Now here is the paragraph again, but a little bit different:

Hospitality is the creation of a free space where our children can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. It is not to change our children, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring our children over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines. It is not to lead our children into a corner where there are no alternatives left, but to open wide a spectrum of options for choice and commitment. It is not an educated intimidation with good books, good stories and good works, but the liberation of fearful hearts so that words can find root and bear ample fruit. It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to our children to find their God and their way.

Well, what do you think? Does it resonate?

Here’s more:

The paradox of hospitality is that it wants to create emptiness, not a fearful emptiness, but a friendly emptiness where our children can enter; free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances, free also to leave and follow their own vocations.

Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the lifestyle of the ~~host~~ parent, but the gift of a chance for the ~~guest~~ child to find his own.

When I meditate on this, I think of how ultimately, God is the Supreme Hospitable Being. Of how he gives us the freedom, the space to stumble along and discover Truth within our own narratives. Oh the risk He took. And then I think of how this perhaps is one of my most important and most challenging tasks as a parent. Most important because I can’t think of anything more miserable than someone who gets stuck in Lies and Deceptions and All Sorts of Delusions and Denials. Most challenging because I am more often tempted to reign in, control and exercise power than to give freedom. Freedom can be terrifying.

If indeed our children are our most important guests who enter into our home, that they simply ask for careful attention while they stay, that soon, they leave to follow their own way – then viewing our role as parents in this paradigm of practicing hospitality simplifies our day-to-day tasks as parents.

How exactly? Come back to read Part 2 next week. I’m taking an early blogging weekend. Lots of internal stuff to sort through. Plus I’m still thinking through this one, and if you have any input, I’d love to hear it! What do you think?

Unmasking. Unravelling. THIS is what parenting is about.

May 13th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Authenticity + Vocation, Happiness + Growth, Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Moms 6 comments - Tags: confessions, unmasking, unravelling

Photo By Baba G

I met a fellow mama at the playground one time and we started chatting about education. Her son was enrolled in a Montessori pre-school and I told her I was considering unschooling as an option. And somewhere along our conversation, she said something to the effect of how the main thing as parents is that we be whole people. And that word, whole, stuck to my heart like pieces of oatmeal under the dining table. Well, at least the table in my house.

I wondered to myself, whole? I certainly don’t feel whole. I want to be. But I am more keenly aware of how I am not. Especially after having a little child who calls me mom.

UNMASKING
Child-rearing has a way of unmasking us. Our fears, our vulnerabilities, our deeply seated wounds? Of course along with all the beauty and untapped strength we didn’t know we had, but along with it, (excuse the language) the crap that surfaces once we become parents ourselves. The inevitable brokenness that comes from having our own parents too busy teaching us how to be adults, how to live right and behave right, that they didn’t truly experience nor enjoy who we were. (Or maybe quite the opposite, it’s from having our own parents too afraid to model for us what it looks like to be responsible adults that we took so long to figure out how to grow up.)

Becoming parents ourselves can be terrifying unless we look within and deal with what’s there. We either parent out of fear, or out of authenticity. And it’s never either/or because it seems like (at least in my case) a life long tension that I get to deal with every single day. I mean, is there anyone who is 100% fearless? or 100% fearful? Because I sure am not. Some days, I feel like 110 percent on the fear side, times seven. Sure, I’ve experienced some healing in my life, thanks to the people I’ve met along the way who cared to be present despite my ambivalence, And of course to God who shows up all the time, whether or not I feel like welcoming Him. But still. I find myself terrified of unmasking. I know it heals. But it sure does hurt.

UNRAVELLING
Child-rearing unravels us because…it forces us to slow down and BE. And frankly, it’s super jarring. This is the anti-thesis to all things progressive and American. The times that I’ve snapped in anger with my toddler are the times when her child-like way of life disrupts my adult-like way of life. When I’m trying to accomplish something, and she is just trying to be. Or not even trying at all but just experiencing the joy of pouring water into her bowl of soup to see what happens. It’s an exercise in unravelling because I’m losing control, and there isn’t just a whole lot in life that I have control over. Except for what happens inside me.

And I’m realizing that I’m not called to exercise control over my chid. Ever. She is her own person. I am called to lead and nurture. Lead with my life, and nurture with my heart. A task that requires authenticity. A task that simply demands a little bit too much some days. Especially for those of us who grew up being controlled, manipulated, coerced. Who is more acquainted with fear, than being alive. Who doesn’t feel up to the task of leading with my less than whole, limping, wounded life. But ah. My heart saves me. Because someone, God, shows up there and fills it Love. Love that weeps over every ache, keeps silent over things too terrible to utter, and recklessly embraces it all.

THIS is what parenting is about.

Lessons From The Family Bed: What Co-Sleeping Is Teaching Us (Part 3)

May 10th, 2010 · Vina Barham · Mindful + Wholehearted Parenting, Nourishing Child 4 comments - Tags: attachment parenting, bedsharing, co-sleeping

Finally. Part 3 of this series. I wrote Part 1 and Part 2 last week and didn’t anticipate how much I had to say about this topic. But first:

On The Issues That Divide Us: Let’s Learn From Each Other Instead

When I started writing this series, I primarily wanted to liberate the family bed from the bad rap it gets in mainstream circles. But I wanted to share that without alienating friends and readers who have chosen to parent differently. I did not want to water down my opinions, but I also did not want others to feel judged or condemned if their approach differed from mine. It’s such a fine line, but I didn’t want to shy away from it. I don’t seek balance in my life, but I strive to learn how to live with tensions like this one instead. I’m not sure how much I was able to express that in this series, but know that this was my intention.

What I hope you don’t take away from all of this: that moms who don’t share their beds or rooms with their children are bad and selfish and that the moms who do aren’t. Where we sleep with our children is not the ultimate. It’s about the quality of our relationship with them. Bedsharing is just one of the means to enhance and deepen that attachment, especially as an alternative to letting your child self-soothe and sleep on their own when they are not ready. I simply hope to offer my perspective as a way to examine our culture and ourselves so we can make choices out of authenticity and not out of fear, out of a commitment to love and not out of convenience. I also offer my voice to open up discussion so I can learn from you moms who parent differently from me. We can all learn from each other.

Now on to the realities of co-sleeping.

The Realities of Co-Sleeping (And Some Tips)

Growing up is a very slow and lengthy process that requires us to parent ever-so patiently. Learning to sleep independently is part of that process and the more we are realistic about how it affects our life, the better we can plan for how to parent our children through it.

Dr. Ferber says that it takes 2-3 years for a child to learn to sleep naturally on their own. Perhaps longer. So be warned. Their progress towards sleeping without your help will be slower than many of your other mom friends who choose a different path. Your child doesn’t have a sleeping problem, which is how others may perceive your situation to be. Embrace it and know it’s normal.

Everyone’s sleep matters. Because your sleep is highly intertwined with your baby’s and spouse’s when sharing a bed or a room, you have to figure out what works for all of you. And it might take a little experimenting and a lot of changes along the way. There is no one way to co-sleep. You might need a king size bed. Your spouse might sleep in a separate bed for awhile. You might get a cosleeper bed for your baby because you are a light sleeper. Whatever works.

The Family Bed is going to replace the Marriage Bed, for a season. I’m not saying we are mothers first before we are wives. We are both. Again, living with the tension. But it simply means that your time with your spouse will change. You’ll have less time and less of yourself to offer (which is true when you become a mother anyway.) So make what you offer your spouse high quality in small doses. And make sure you and your spouse are absolutely on the same page about bedsharing. If not, then it’s not going to work.

You have to trust in the process and in your instincts. There is no rule book to follow. You’ll have to be okay not seeing results readily. You’ll have to make plans for when you doubt your choices. Know that bedsharing has a long universal history. You are not alone. Find others who do as you do and commiserate. It will immensely help you.

Flexibility is key. I’m not going to lie. There are some nights when bedsharing feels suffocating. I might have had a long stressful day. Or I didn’t particularly take care of myself that time. Or my baby just needs to nurse more than usual. It helps to know that there is always a reason. Figure out that reason and do something about it. It’s not necessarily the bedsharing per se, but something else in combination with it. If your situation is starting to threaten the well-being of any member of the family, it’s time to reconsider alternatives.

The Rewards of Co-Sleeping (Yah!)

So why do we co-sleep? As a matter of principle? Uhm, in part, but also, because it rocks!

Bedsharing is teaching my daughter healthy sleep in a holistic manner. First, she is learning it in a secure environment with both dad and mom present. Second, she is learning it by our example. Third, she is learning how to do it herself as she is able to. I’m a firm believer in following our children’s timetable. I don’t ever want to impose on her my adult notions of how to live. She will evolve into her own way of living and I’m only here to provide the environment, resources and a model she can follow, if she chooses. I want to do that consistently in my parenting (not that succeed all the time!)

Bedsharing is meeting my daughter’s need to be close to her most favorite people in the world. Especially at night when it is dark, when dreams come and go. Why do we think it’s essential to our well-being that we sleep alone? As grown ups, how much do we like having our bed to ourselves? Then why should it be different for the little people in our lives?

Bedsharing has simplified our marriage. Having to share a bed with our daughter has forced us to be deliberate and creative with our time together. I would say, it has made our intimate life, well, even better. We don’t take for granted the time we have alone. We try to maximize it by simply enjoying each other without a whole lot of expectations. Making eye contact in bed with a child in between us becomes sexy.

Bedsharing has helped me be more focused on taking care of myself. I am more keenly aware of my boundaries and am more grateful for the small snippets of rest and solitude I get throughout the day. I sleep earlier than I would and it keeps me from sleeping in, ever. I’ve been able to read lots and lots of books while nursing my child to sleep. And when I’m not reading a book, the stillness of lying down with just me and my thoughts help me connect dots and ideas in my head for posts like this.

Bedsharing has helped me celebrate the power of small and slow. Over the past 22 months that I’ve shared a bed with my daughter, I’ve seen how she has grown in learning how to sleep on her own. The small victories here and there that have encouraged me to keep going and that I am on the right path. There was that occasion when she stopped nursing throughout the night. And then there was that one moment when she would unlatch from my breast, roll over and fall asleep on her own. And then there was that time when she would wake up, turn over and fall asleep after I pat my hand on her bum. Slow is good. Good things take time.

Bedsharing has empowered me as a mom. Just because I am not able to follow the sleep experts’ advice on how to train my baby to sleep doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about discipline in this house (on the contrary, I do but a little bit differently. I want discipline to grow from within and be learned through attachments, not through forced independence and punitive measures.) It has helped me breastfeed my daughter for this long. It has helped build my confidence in my instincts as a mom, in the natural design of things and in Grace as a guiding force in my parenting style.

In Conclusion
Everyday she is learning something new about herself, her abilities and her place in this world. Even in such matters of sleep, she is doing so. And I’m very thankful that I get to be present and guide her ever so gently towards each little step. I want her to know that in every detail of her life, she is not alone. I want her to embrace her need for people. Together with her ability to do, to make, to choose, to learn and to master. Because in the broader scheme of things, this is the Truth I want her to rest in. That while she has her life to live and choices to make, they are only made worthwhile in Relationships and in Love.

Further Reading By Other Cool Blogger Mamas
Cortisol, T-Rex And Your Baby @ Baby Dust Diaries
Co-Sleeping Is One Of My Loves @ One Moms World
Crunchy Conservative Parenting: On Co-Sleeping and Actions Vs. Ideology @ NewsRealBlog
Co-Sleeping Around The World @ The Natural Child Project
Children Should Sleep With Their Parents Until They Are Five @ Times Online (UK)
Co-Sleeping: How They Do It In Japan @ Babble

If you are new to co-sleeping and hope to practice it with your newborn
Safely Sleeping With Your Baby by Dr. Sears
Guidelines to Sleeping Safe With Infants by Dr. James McKenna
Checklist for Safe C0-Sleeping By Elizabeth Pantley
Infant Sleep Safety by Attachment Parenting International