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I wonder often. Am I the only one struggling with this? Because I don’t hear a whole lot of mamas blog about it, or talk about it. Fortunately, I have this friend who I see regularly and she finally brought it up. The taboo topic that no one talks about in playgroups, or in blogs.

What happens to marriage after children?

I can’t speak for all marriages, but I know mine morphed into something I didn’t quite anticipate for.  I wrote this four months into becoming a mommy:

Before we had Naomi, Steve and I were clueless to how much having children can change a couple’s life. Like, really clueless.

We didn’t understand why couples who have children are so darn hard to get together with. We didn’t understand why they always left the party earlier than others. We didn’t understand why they couldn’t keep their houses clean and tidy. We didn’t understand why they barely held hands in public since one of them had at least one kid in tow. We didn’t understand why they drove vans or SUVs. We didn’t understand why they always talked about very boring details of their kids’ life, like how she broke her tooth or how he can now pull himself up…zzzzz. We didn’t understand their preoccupation with potty training, vaccines, sleep, diapers, and more.  We didn’t understand why they just couldn’t make their baby stop crying in the restaurant. We didn’t understand why they even bother taking their baby to the restaurant in the first place (how inconsiderate). We just didn’t understand.

Sorry. Now we are beginning to.

There’s just a whole lot of changes that a couple go through. There’s a change of family dynamic – having to make space for another person disrupts a lot of routines and rhythms a couple may already have. There’s a change in roles – mom carries the baby for 9 months, gives birth and seems naturally inclined to nurture in a way dad doesn’t. Mother becomes sorta central in the family without meaning to. There’s a change in priorities – for us, we knew I would be the parent who will care for our child full-time but for others who think they will just pick up where they left off with jobs or schools, find that their priorities have shifted and that new realities have to be considered. There’s a change in expectations – who does what, what’s fair, what’s normal, what does it mean to leave the workforce, etc? I’m sure I’m leaving out a whole lot  more changes, but that’s all I can think of the moment.

I’m Not An Expert, But Here Are 11 Things I’m Learning

One of the best gift you can give your children is a healthy and growing marriage. Or so I hear.  I daily struggle with how I can nourish our marriage while growing in my role as a mother. Below is the list of  of advice I remind myself everyday.

1. Avoid scorekeeping. So you change more diapers than your spouse. And he often does it the “wrong” way. Realize that if you were in his position, you would not be as good as changing diapers as you are now because you just couldn’t do it more often.  Figure out a way to divide up the child-rearing and household tasks that make sense for you both, and leave it at that. Keeping score is exhausting and utterly counter-productive.
2. Avoid criticism. Just as the small good acts can add up, the small negative thoughts and words do too. What you think of your spouse, he will become that to you.  And worse, your child will pick up on it. If something is bothering you about your spouse, first take time to see what’s going on with you. Often, it’s about our own issues. If it’s something your spouse needs to hear, bring it up but be specific about which action got you frustrated. Resist the urge to attack and devour. It may feel good to do so at the moment, but afterwards is a disaster much worse than a lingering hangover. 
3. Remember. Remember all the things about your spouse that you fell in love with? Well, remember them often and hold on to them. Look for them everyday.  I especially love my husband’s eyes. I often try to look into them and remember those first few months when we fell in love. Especially in the midst of my mothering. Because I forget.
4. Cultivate genuine appreciation for your spouse.Find the praiseworthy, the lovely, the good in what your spouse does. No matter how small.  For being so gentle with your child. For being a fun dad. For working hard at his job or business. Leave him notes, or simply thank him. No flattery here, just sincere gratitude for specific things he does.
5. Embrace your differences. Assume the best in your spouse’s intention even when his methods differ from yours. Don’t be afraid of conflicts but learn ways to resolve them respectfully without undermining each other. See how your child benefits from the different ways you parent and nurture. 
6. Make time and space for intimacy. It’s easy to let this one go but especially now that you have a little one who needs all your attention, sex becomes essential. Even more than date nights. I’ll have to write about this for another post, about all the reasons we really need to make this a priority. Get creative. We sleep with our daughter in our family bed, and lemme just say it’s sparked our creativity in more ways than one.
7. Don’t rely on your emotions. Listen to what they are telling you, but don’t make it your reality. Some days, I really don’t feel much “love” for my spouse but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. Use it to gauge your inner temperature to figure yourself out, but don’t dump it on your spouse if you are feeling the heat. Instead, see tip #8.
8. Journal. Write about all the changes you are experiencing to help you process it better. Writing often brings me clarity about an issue as well as an outlet to write our story as it unfolds. I love reading about my experiences a few months down the road. I learn from it and I grow. Or I just laugh.
9. Find ways to do things you both enjoy together with your children. It’s one of the most natural ways I can think of to grow as a family. It’s important for your children to see mom and dad having fun together. My husband and I like to walk around the beach and we really have the best time when we are all outdoors hanging out in nature. We like to do this often. 
10. Know your boundaries and leverage them. I am a very strong introvert and honestly, at the end of the day, I don’t have much energy to give to my spouse. So I really try not to get spent right before he gets home. Lately, I’ve tried to make dinner right after my daughter wakes up from her nap so I can be free of the stress I usually have to deal with come dinner time. We try to go on a walk if we can right before hubby gets home so I can some “alone” time while still playing with my daughter. It really has helped me be in a more cheerful mood by the time my husband gets home from work.  
11. Finally, assess your expectations and rewrite them when necessarily. Or just let them go. I always imagined dinner a time for elaborate conversations and a lot of laughter. We still do laugh a lot, but mostly because my daughter gets in this silly mood at dinner time. But we don’t really talk a whole lot. Just bits and pieces of our day interrupted with a funny gesture or word from my toddler that elicits giggles. And I just take it as it is. Either that or I fume about the conversation that isn’t happening and is sure to not happen after dinner because of my attitude. 

Above all, if you mess up, there’s no better fix than a true apology. Marriage is about growing in grace. Especially with children.

So what about you? How did you cope when your family, from two became three? If you are in the midst of all that, how are you dealing? I’d love to hear!