Just Follow The Dots, Mama. Just Follow The Damn Dots.

March 21, 2012 By 6 Comments

Tomorrow begins one of the many steps towards a Life More Mine.

My Nia Intensive starts in less than 24 hours and I’m giddy with excitement. I still can’t believe that I finally said yes, and that this indeed is happening.

Just several months, this was all a dream.

And I found the courage to make it happen.

I wasn’t sure how the how-to’s were all gonna fall into place, but fall into place they did. (Oh, and did I tell you I’m spending time away from my little girl for 3 1/2 days  straight for the very first time?)

I don’t even know if I’ll end up becoming a Nia Instructor.

But Nia shone brightly in my heart and I had to say yes.

::Pause::

I’m in my 2nd week for my Wise Woman Leadership Program and it’s been…funf**kingtastic, as Danielle LaPorte would say. (Would it turn you off to know that I sometimes cuss? Maybe, but the truth is, I do. And sorry, Dad. ) I’ve met some amazing women already and what I’ve learned so far? Nothing new in terms of head knowledge (I read too much) but oh my goodness. I feel like a whole new person. I f**king love my life. (Ooops. There it is again. Sometimes, it just feels so good to say it.)

I feel more at ease, more kind to myself when I need it the most and more…hmmm…what’s the word? Trusting.

I’ve considered myself a woman of faith all these years, but after throwing out most of my childhood beliefs and starting anew, I’ve discovered something new about me.

I’m becoming a woman of Trust.

I’m finally learning to trust in my Deep Inner Wisdom.

I’m finally learning to trust in my Body.

I’m finally learning to trust in the process.

I’m finally learning to trust in the Now.

Heck, I’m finally learning to trust M-E.

::Pause::

I’ve never been a Steve Jobs fan until I listened to his famous Stanford Commencement speech. And one thing he said that has changed my life forever was this:

Follow the dots and trust that it all connects in the end.

Or something like that.

This is one wisdom I want to pass down to my daughter.

And the truth is, I can’t imagine living life any other way.

You see, I’m somewhat of a Renaissance Soul. A Sparkler. A Multipotentialite. Whatever you want to call it. Sometimes, I just dismiss the whole thing as ADD but the truth is, I have Shiny Object Syndrome.

Everything that shines and sparkles Truth?

I’m all over it.

Or at least until it’s shiny sparkly light has rubbed off on me and I’m off to search for the next shiny and sparkly thing.

And I’m finally freakin’ proud of it.

I’m a helluva shiny sparkly dot-connector and if it was a superpower, that would be mine.

And I’m starting to see how it could actually change the world.

Maybe not the way Steve Jobs did, but in a way that is all mine.

::Pause::

Motherhood is all about following the dots. There is no blueprint for success in this gig. We pay attention to what speaks to our hearts, we connect with what feels Right and True for us and our children, and ultimately? We Trust.

The more we listen to the herd? The more we pay attention to the Panel of Judges weighing in on our every decision? The more we look for answers outside ourselves?

I’ve been there and done that.

And I just have to say…what an exhausting way to live and mother.

::Pause::

If you’re still reading this blog post, chances are:

  1. you’re a very good friend of mine.
  2. you’re my dad (hi, dad! It still tickles me pink that you read my blog!).
  3. you will shortly become a very good friend of mine (and please for the love of all good things introduce yourself in the comment section and quit unlurking).
  4. you are a fellow Shiny Object-Dot-Connector Genius.
  5. you get Feminine Brilliance, the non-linear holistic wisdom that is so lacking in our world today.

And if you fall in any of the categories above? You are one of my people! The kind who I get to serve and encourage with my superpowers. You get what I’m about and what I can offer. And I’m here to tell you this right here, right now:

Just follow the dots, my Friend. Just Follow the Damn Dots.

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There Is No Fail. Just Another Way of Growing Up And Returning To Ourselves.

March 15, 2012 By 4 Comments

You know that trick question of, what would you do if you couldn’t fail?

Well, it’s not a trick question.

Because the truth is, there is no fail.

Fail is just another construct in our black/white + good/bad dichotomy we’ve inherited by way of childhood, religious dogma or cultural conditioning. It started maybe from when we learned the word “uh-oh” in our childhood days, when we spilled yet again another glass of milk, or when we yet again soiled our undies simply because we were not yet ready. This sense of shame from not doing something quite…perfectly.

And as I type those words, I nurse a twinge of sadness and regret that I’ve had my share of perpetuating this harmful divide of the pysche in my daughter. Although I consider myself to be conscious and progressive in my mothering, I still have wounds. I still react. I still have lapses in taking great care of myself so I can take great care of those I love. I still have my stuff that spills out in my everyday parenting. And I grieve it.

:: Pause ::

The last week or so, I’ve been somewhat stressed out with my upcoming schedule. As I shared before, I have my Nia White Belt coming up, which means I would be away from my daughter for a total of 8 days (broken up within two long weekends). I’ve never been away from her for more than 3 hours at a time! I also started my Wise Woman Leadership Program today, which is on Mondays and Wednesdays at 10 AM PST and for an hour this morning, I was struggling with letting my little girl watch a movie and not being able to pay attention to the tele-class. I also have a couple of blog set-up and design projects I’m working on, although thank goodness one is almost completely done! On top of all that, my diet has sort of gone a little downhill too. I’ve mindlessly consumed sugar, refined flour and junkfood – stuff I usually don’t even have in my house to begin with because I am trying to heal my gut and keep my Candida at bay, if not totally eliminate it.

As a result, there have been more days when I’m short with my daughter. And short with myself. I seem to have less tolerance for “mistakes” when I’m not taking care of myself. When the Standard American Diet (SAD) interferes with my rest and sleep, my clarity and conscious thinking. I’ve raised my voice far more than I would like. And I’ve been distracted and not at all Present to Life, to myself and to those I love, most especially my little girl.

::Pause::

It hurts to know that I sometimes teach my daughter what I’m trying to undo in my own life.

But what’s more important is what I do with that hurt.

Do I consider it a failure and beat myself up all over again and keep the cycle going? Or do I consider it a springboard for more growth and consciousness in my life? A rich fertilizer of sorts that is helping rebuild this soil of mine so I can grow deep roots of unconditional love and self-acceptance towards myself and those around me?

There is no fail. All the “mistakes” in our lives are just another way of growing up and returning to who we truly are. And when I embrace that Truth, everything in my life becomes beautiful.

Did you like this article? Would you help me spread this bundle of life-affirming words by sharing it with others? Make it go viral among moms you know, your followers and friends, your blog readers who could use a little encouragement today? And as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories. Thank you so much!

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On Feminine Brilliance (Or Why My Blog Is So Hot Pink)

March 12, 2012 By 2 Comments

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So maybe you haven’t noticed my absence from this blog once again, but in case you have, I thought I need some ‘splaining to do.

As you can see, there’s a few changes here on this blog, the most obvious one being that I’ve gone completely Girly. Pink! Cursive! If you think I’m soon going to pull out some ruffles and tutus and other feminine-ish stuff you could imagine, you’re probably right.

From my Year of the Dress Challenge to my Mommy Moontime Confessions, it’s sort of self-evident this direction I’m headed. And with that, where I wanted to this blog to go.

Except if blogs had a mind of their own, mine was stubborn and unyielding. There is so much past and history that just doesn’t jive with my Present and my blog kept wanting to hold on.

To what exactly, I’m not sure. I suppose it was the nostalgia, the sentimental and religious ideas I have of my identity as a mother and a homemaker, and the dream of finally finding my home in that.

But the word Home has started to evolve for me over the last year or so and my identity has magically outgrown the confines of how I used to define it.

It seems to me that nourishing a Home, before it is about family, is about nourishing my own Feminine Self. For this Feminine Body IS my first home, the physical vessel that housed my equally Feminine Soul. (Or maybe my Body is part of my Soul and my Soul is part of my Body all the same? No matter.) The point is, a well-Nourished Family is but an extension, a reflection of a well-Nourished Feminine (and of course a well-Nourished Masculine too, but that is for another post).

And I’ve finally figured out why the hell we have severely malnourished families in this country, if not around the world (drum roll please):

It’s simply that…we have severely malnourished the Feminine.

It’s the worst tragedy to befall humankind and we scarcely noticed.

But there’s a growing Movement, a slow but steady Presence, a kind but firm Voice that keeps pointing us towards the kind of Wisdom we have so long ignored. We are collectively longing for this Wisdom, starved and thirsty for another kind of Truth that transcends Logic, the Written Word and any Established Order of sorts. It’s the kind that we all Possess and are Possessed by. The kind of knowing we have deep in our bones, our bodies and our spirits. The kind that is passed down from one generation to the next through legacy and kin. The kind that is written and etched directly in our hearts.

The kind that is Feminine Brilliance.

The Feminine Brilliance that says…our bodies are our temples. And to nourish our bodies, honor its design and listen to its wisdom is one of the greatest acts of worship we can ever offer.

The Feminine Brilliance that says…our bodies were made to birth and nurture children. And to follow our maternal intuition/primal instincts in how to birth and care for our young is one of the greatest gifts for transformation and spiritual growth if we dare embrace it.

The Feminine Brilliance that says…our bodies know exactly what it needs. And to listen to our bodies when it comes to the kind of food to consume or how much rest it requires on any given day is the simplest thing we can do for ourselves and our children to have healthier and happier lives.

The Feminine Brilliance that says…everything is Connected. And in that Connectedness, we breathe, move, live and find our very Being.

The Feminine Brilliance that brings Harmony and Balance to the Masculine Strength our culture is well-versed in.

::Pause::

I don’t know exactly how I got here. Nor do I really care. Because I’m here Now and really? That’s all that matters. And I have found my new soul purpose here on earth . One that encompasses and transcends what this blog, a nourishing home, was initially about.

I’m here to return to our Feminine Brilliance and help other women, and most especially my daughter, do the same.

How exactly I turn that into a sacred livelihood that makes my heart sing and empowers other women all at once, I have a few ideas. How exactly I work that out in this blog, I don’t know yet. It might be that I have to say good-bye to this blog to start a new one along with a biz that will rock this testosterone-charged world.

Who knows?

I’m taking it one day at a time, heck I’m taking it one moment at a time. And well, hot pink and cursive feel like the most fitting of ways to express my newfound life mission right here, right now.

P.S. I’m starting my Wise Women Leadership Program this week and my Nia White Belt Training next week (eeps!) so don’t expect me to be here on the blog a whole lot. In fact, I think my blogging schedule is about to change drastically – still thinking of the details. Lots and lots of re-imagining my social media platform along with the business I’m forever daydreaming about but I hope we can stay connected. I am on Facebook and Instagram awholelot so maybe I’ll see you there?

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Velveteen Mama Diaries: A Glimpse Into Our Weekend Life

February 28, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Weekends are when we try to play together as a family. Or at least that’s the plan. It doesn’t always happen, especially if I don’t follow through carving out time for myself first. Because when that doesn’t happen? Let’s just say when mama is unhappy, everything else falls apart.

So first thing Saturday morning, I sleep in a little bit. Except I don’t really “sleep in” but I do whatever I want in bed (like read or mindlessly get lost on cyberspace – does anyone still call it that?) while hubby and the little one play together and maybe prepare breakfast. Because I don’t usually bother to cook on Saturday mornings. In fact, I hardly do any cooking on the weekend  - something my husband and I have agreed on, so as I give myself the much needed break from cooking since it’s not exactly my most favorite thing in the world despite appearances, and well, it’s sort of a way to assert my free will, a statement that I am not bound to the kitchen just because I happen to be a mom.

And then slowly, I make my way to hang out with the family a little bit before I head out to my Nia class. I swear, it has done for me what I’ve always wanted to get out of a typical church worship, but rarely did: a whole mind-body-spirit connection to the Divine, and to myself. But I’m not writing about Nia today, so back to weekending.

The last two weekends, I’ve been walking to my Nia class which I’ve loved so much. Even though my daughter and I go for walks quite often, it’s been a long time since I have gone on a walk by myself. Such a treat! And then just this last Saturday, I added a new ritual to my Sacred Sexy Self Care Sabbath by stopping by a bubble tea place on my way home to journal, read and draw. Of course I drank bubble tea and pretended I was back in China, like once upon a time. I have such fond memories, that part of my life.

And then I come home, our family has lunch together and then we spend the rest of the afternoon napping, and then heading out to Seattle Center to watch Stars on Ice (we scored free tickets!) My daughter was fascinated for a little bit but we had to leave an hour into the show after she declares being “done” for the day.

Sunday morning, we headed out to Discovery Park , one of our all time favorite places to visit outside West Seattle. It’s not too far, plus we can easily head off to Ballard to find some tasty treats afterwards. One can easily spend the entire day there, except it was super cold that day and we didn’t bring enough snacks to last us longer than a few hours.

We headed to the playground not too far from the Visitor Centre, where the entire family enjoyed the zipline! Our daughter sat on my lap and begged to do it over and over and over again – and we laughed the entire time! It was so much fun! And my hubby had his share of fun too!

And of course, one of my daughter’s favorite thing to do: roll down the hill! She has mastered this art quite well – I started doing this with her when she was really little. I would wrap my arms around her and we would roll down the hill together! The simple pleasures of childhood!

They also have a really fun marine-life themed playroom in the Visitor Centre and it so happens that my daughter absolutely LOVES sea animals of all kinds! We stayed there for a bit while she played with all the sea animals until we ran out of food!

So we headed to the Fishermen’s Terminal, where die-hard seafood lovers could go and buy the catch of the day. I’ve never tried to do that though it’s on my list of things I want to do. We grabbed lunch – some fish and chips and of course, chowder, after exploring around the marina a little bit. I think it’s time we visit the aquarium again and indulge my little girl’s interest in the aquatic world.

After lunch, we drove up to my parent’s house to see my family, which is quite a drive from where we live. So little one fell asleep, and my husband, always the thoughtful one, suggested to drop me off the thrift store so I can do a little thrifting while we let the sleepy head catch some snooze. I found a few lovely things and walked back to my parent’s house.

We played with my sister and nephew at the playground to soak up every last bit of sunshine we can and then went to the mall for dinner with my dad. We hadn’t done that in awhile (gone to the mall, and with my family too!) so it was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We talked about our life back in the Philippines and how you could not find a mall with less than three floors. Plans for visiting the Philippines together came up – and I got super excited at the idea of going home with the entire family, especially with my husband and my daughter along. It’s been what? 10 years since I’ve last visited. Oh my.

I sorta didn’t want the day to end – it was  much fuller than our normal weekends and I loved every single minute of it. We usually rest more on Sundays but now I’m rethinking our whole weekend routine. I don’t think we can do something like this weekend after weekend beause come Monday, I was so tired I had to rest from the weekend that was!

But maybe weekends aren’t really for resting. Especially since our life is already on the slow pace during the week. Maybe weekends are about family, fun explorations and of course food. Maybe weekends are whatever you want them to be, in whichever way they can increase the fullness and happiness of your life. Maybe weekends are simply either the extension of the week you already love, or a precursor to.  Instead of an abrupt halt or break to your days.

Or maybe there shouldn’t be weekends at all.

And that really? Everyday is a weekend day.

The End.

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Monday Meditations: From Pretense to Presence

February 13, 2012 By 2 Comments

Some days, I write (and live) from the heart. And sadly, some days, I write (and live) from a place of perceived identity, of illusions and expectations of who I am supposed to be.

And I was thankfully reminded lately that writing (and living) that way divides the Self – resulting in Confusion, Depression and all sorts of Life-Sucking Addictions.  Writing (and living) that way hurts and harms my Soul. Trying to be Someone I’m not is yet another tired old message added to the thousands of times I’ve told Myself in so many ways: You Are Not Enough.

The most common form of despair is not being who you are…Søren Kierkegaard 

I wonder where we get these messages that compel us to hide who we truly are. When does the Pretense start?

Perhaps it was the way we were raised, where we had to learn to be Obedient and live up to our parent’s expectations as the most significant way we can earn their approval and affirmation. We learned to be Who they want us to be most especially when we were punished when we were simply being who we are (and in many instances, we really were just being children and our parents totally blanked out and forgot what it was like.) Our first initiation to a Life of Pretense.

And then everything else, school, friends, religion, conspired to hide us behind a mask of sorts. Until we don’t even know what we look like.

To be nobody but myself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else-means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.
 e.e. cummings 

Perhaps our most important task then as mothers, as sisters, as wives, as women, is to move from Pretense to Presence. To come home fully to ourselves, and show up in the world just as we are – sorta brilliant and sorta broken.  Because Pretense can only breed Pretense. And our children do not need to start wearing masks at such a young age. Actually, they don’t need to be wearing any masks at all, not now or ever.

And the unmasking begins with me.

So…how are you unmasking today?

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Velveteen Mama Diaries: Somedays, I Don’t Love Being A Mama

February 7, 2012 By 5 Comments

Yes, tis true.

Most days, I adore motherhood. I love having to slow down and embrace the wonder of it all. I love watching my daughter learn and grow. I love going through the rhythms of our days and seasons together. But I’ll be honest. Many days, I’d love to just spend hours upon hours of me-time. The best gift anyone can ever give me at this point in my life? The time and the space to work on my own projects – where I want, when I want.

I would love to have a chunk of my days when I’m just left to my own world so I can create to my heart’s delight, and pursue my artist path.

I would love to be able to cook on my own pace, with a glass of Pinot Noir and music of my own choosing instead of yet another rendition of her current favorite song: Tomorrow (Annie).

:: Pause ::

Most days, I’m able to find the sweet spot of doing what I love with my daughter. It’s the only sustainable way I can mother with authenticity. But there are days when I just want to do what I love alone.

Most days, I’m able to find pleasure and joy in the things I wouldn’t choose to do (things like cooking and making sure my daughter has clean undies), yet are necessary for me to nourish my family. It’s the only way I can carpe the heck out of this diem. But there are days when I just want the luxury of not doing any of these things at all.

:: Pause ::

The funny thing is, it took motherhood for me to figure out what these things were that brought me so much joy. It took motherhood for me to reconnect with my childhood dreams, with my capacity to create and the  courage to even call myself an artist. It took motherhood for me to reconnect with my body, my appetites and my desire to nourish our health through real food.

So really, I have my daughter to thank for all the big shifts happening in my own life. Birthing the mother in me was the catalyst for this journey I am on, this journey of coming home to myself.

:: Pause ::

Life is full of paradox. But I like it that way. Black and white would be so boring and bland. Truth is always much more beautiful.

And the beautiful irony of what I’m living out these days is this: I can’t be a mother without being me. And I can’t be me without being a mother. 

Your Turn: What about you? How’s motherhood for you these days? And if you liked this article, sharing is the kind thing to do. Thanks friends!

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So Maybe Motherhood Is Hard After All…

February 1, 2012 By 8 Comments

Or not.

Lemme explain.

I totally get it when moms (and dads) talk about everything that is challenging about parenting. Because it is. Most of this stuff does not come naturally to many of us and life with children forces us to re-imagine a different way of living and being.

I don’t take any of that lightly. Nor do I claim that I have mastered the art of mothering.

I’m in a process like you. Practice and progress, not perfection.

When I say that motherhood does not have to be hard, I mean that our experience doesn’t have to be one of constant frustration and stress. In any given moment that it feels hard, it’s only because we are resisting What Is. We carry with us a whole lot of expectations on how things should be, and when things don’t go as we hoped? Resistance.

We struggle and suffer when we Resist Reality.

Because the honest truth? Reality is much much kinder, more beautiful than we think it is. It is our stories, perceptions, interpretations of Reality that bring us through unnecessary suffering and grief. We miss out on the Joy before us simply because our thoughts are elsewhere, not Here.

We’ve forgotten to Embrace the Gift of the Present.

This is probably not the best example, but it’s what I can think of at the moment: My little girl refuses to go poop in the potty and there’s nothing I can do to make her do it peacefully.  That situation itself is not hard or easy. It’s not good or bad. It is what it is. If I accept the situation at face value, then things become easier to deal with. It only becomes hard when I start to make judgements about myself or my daughter because of the situation. I judge her to be rebellious or strong-willed or whatever while I judge myself as the worst mother of all. But once I start to embrace what Is without all the icky baggage and Trust, I am able to possess a certain clarity that allows me to figure out what I can do right at the moment. And really, that’s all I need.

Because that’s what response-ability is all about, isn’t it? The Ability to Respond at whatever the Moment brings us.

And when we are clouded with all sorts of negative emotions and thoughts, we can’t see our situation for what it is. We only see what’s hard. And that’s when we get all tangled up in all sorts of drama (or shit if you prefer).

Of course, some days, I am better at Practicing Presence than others. Like how the past couple of days, when it’s been ridiculously crazy and I have momentarily lost my footing. I just wanted to hide under the covers all day long and was wishing for things to be different. I’ve been sort of confused, overwhelmed and cranky. I took it out on my husband. And I wondered what happened, and how I got to hell so quickly.

But when I finally paused and brought myself into Now, when I just accepted the situation for what it is with as much kindness as I can afford myself, I realized that I hadn’t taken the time this weekend for my regular me-time that often restores me and refreshes me for the week. And I remembered how much I needed that. Because mothering takes a lot out of me.

And that clarity was all I needed to sort of start over, live my Best life and be Present right here, right now.

And I’m back to enjoying and growing from all that this Moment has to offer.

PS If you must know, I figured out that her poop issues is gut-health related in nature. So I’m figuring out how to do the GAPS diet again, but with less stress and more joy. I’ll keep you posted on that.

PPS: I am rethinking about the everyday blogging. I’m taking weekends off! But I’ll be on Facebook everyday. I created A Nourishing Home Page there – more to come! We’re also making some major changes to this blog and am working on a sister blog so stay tuned!!!

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Velveteen Mama Diaries: The Practice of Presence With Very Young Children (Or How to Carpe the Heck out of Motherhood)

January 24, 2012 By 10 Comments

Making Applesauce with Miss N

Living consciously with our little ones is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our Presence, more than anything, is what they treasure most. Very young children are very impressionable and not only do they imitate what they see,  they also absorb with very little filter what surrounds them in their everyday life.

And so how we are Present in our home and with their company is how they learn to be Present to this world as well. If I find myself bored, resentful or stressed out towards the tasks at hand, then my child will take in what Sharifa Oppenheimer calls the Inner Gesture I am displaying and will imitate this very same attitude intuitively. In one of my favorite books on conscious parenting, Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children, she writes:

Does she see care in my bodily rhythm as I bend toward the task or does she see a hurried duty? Does she see pleasure in the task or resentment? What inner gesture will she imitate?

I have this written on my little planner to remind myself every so often, especially when I’m finding something particularly tedious, such as folding the laundry yet again. It’s a practice in exulting the monotony, in embracing the Now and being 100% Present to What Is.

It’s All Very Simple. Just Pay Attention.

Pay attention to your Inner Gesture. If your Inner Gesture is not what you’d like it to be, ask yourself what you need. For example, I’ve given myself permission to NOT do a task I just can’t enjoy at the moment. If I need some time and space to shift my mind towards an Inner Gesture worth imitating, then I give myself that. Or perhaps I need to find a more creative way of getting something done, or doing something in a way that I can enjoy. Or altogether delegating it. Or perhaps I simply haven’t taken good care of myself and need to do some self-tending.

Presence, not Productivity, I remind myself. The latter will happen when I keep the main thing the main thing.

Life with children does not have to be endured. It’s totally possible to enjoy each moment with our children.  I’m really tired of this mantra: motherhood is hard.  That it’s too lofty of a goal to carpe the heck out of this diem. Motherhood is only hard if you want it to be.

It doesn’t mean that we don’t have chaotic moments. It only means that we can embrace even the chaos, trusting that Joy is still possible no matter what. Because there’s always Joy in the Now. And that’s where true Power lies. It might mean giving up an expectation here and there and letting go of the Shoulds that drive our life so much.

And it all begins with embracing What Is. The Practice of Presence.

If we are Present to whatever is in front of us, Purpose and Pleasure inevitably follow. Child-rearing included.

Your Turn: Do you agree? How do you Practice being Present with your children? Do you find it makes a difference? As usual, sharing is the only kind thing to do if you dig this post. So share away.

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Diving Deep: I Just Thought You Should Know How I Feel About Holidays

November 26, 2011 By 15 Comments

Oy. Thanksgiving is over. And I’m so glad.

I had to wait until everyone had their merry time before I feel like I can post this. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s festive mood.

See, it turns out that I’m a Thanksgiving Scrooge as much as I am a Halloween one. And it took oh, I don’t know, about a dozen of Thanksgiving celebrations to figure that one out.

And I think the surface-ish reason is as simple as this: I didn’t grow up with either holidays. So I really just don’t give a damn. It’s not like I can only be thankful on one day and not the other 364 days of the year. Plus, I don’t even like turkey.  Sorry.

What I also dislike a lot is the hype that goes with every holiday.  There’s so much build up to the actual event it’s like there needs to be a holiday just to prepare for the holiday. Sigh.

Which is part of the reason why I was quiet all week. I really didn’t want to talk about Gratitude because it feels like it’s what I’m supposed to talk about. And I rebel so much against that. Everyday ought to be a Thanksgiving Day anyway, right?

It feels contrived. And I don’t like contrived.

Next year, I think we’re just going to join our fellow Thanksgiving Scrooges and head to Chinatown for a more fitting lunch. Maybe eat-all-you-can-hot-pot? Yum.

:: Pause ::

And don’t even get me started on Black Friday. The idea literally makes me sick.

But you know what? If that is what other people’s version of a good time is, who am I to stand in the way? Except, it’s a really really sad indication of our culture.

Here’s the American Thanksgiving and Black Friday Message in a nutshell: Be thankful for everything you have  own. And then go out there and get more stuff to be thankful for.

God Help Us All.

:: Pause ::

I wonder why I’m always especially depressed during the holidays. No, seriously. It’s depressing just to think about my depression. Especially now that I am a mama and I want my little girl to have amazing memories of our family.

It could be that it is so gloomy and rainy in Seattle for the most part of the year. (Note to self: get thee a happy light ASAP!)

It could be that all the celebrations here in America are just so removed from the holidays I celebrated growing up.
(I celebrated Independence Day in June not in July, and it was  Philippine Independence from America.)

It could be that I’m just a hopeless dysfunctional person who over-thinks everything. Sometimes, I think I belong in a psychiatric ward.  On my better days, a convent perhaps.

:: Pause ::

Now, I’ve been learning over the past year or so to embrace who I am. Wholly. All the parts, including this part of me that gets all gloomy and depressed over the holidays. I’ve been learning that there is a good reason for most everything. I don’t want to cure it right away. I want to understand it and grow from it and transform it when it’s ready.

And so I share all this without shame. I don’t need a pity party.  Nor do I  have a need to mask it or minimize it so as to make it more palatable for your reading consumption.

It is what it is. I think holidays in America suck.

:: Pause ::

I’m not saying that people who celebrate holidays in America suck. I’m just saying they suck for me. And I want to get down to the bottom of it.

:: Pause ::

I’ve been slowly reading material on Waldorf education and one thing that has captured my heart is its reverence for festivals and celebrations year round to mark not just the passing of time, but to honor the seasons and the stories of Life and Creation. I so want to do that for my daughter, for my family and for myself. But I feel lost. I honestly don’t know how to celebrate any holidays. My heart feels hollow with just the mere thought of them.

:: Pause ::

Diving deep feels really hard some days. Does it really matter? Should I just opt for the surface happiness that is readily available at the click of the remote or even better, with a spoonful of a sweet dessert? Maybe I should just get busy and do something, anything to distract whatever it is that is causing this seemingly misplaced upset.

And especially not during Christmas please! It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

:: Pause ::

What happened to my Pursuit of Pleasure? I really don’t know. But I can’t force this, whatever this is, to go away without facing it.

Maybe I’m on the path to Wholeness. Where Pleasure is there in the midst of Pain somehow. And that in embracing both, I’m a step closer to becoming who I truly am.

:: The End ::

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Velveteen Mama Diaries: How Much Is A Stay At Home Mom Worth?

November 16, 2011 By 9 Comments

Apparently $9/hr. Yes, that’s how much I sold myself this Fall for what I thought would be extra cash for myself and a little playmate for my daughter.

Except I got more than I bargained for.

Or rather less.

My level of happiness quickly went from a high 10 to ridiculously low 5 and it continued to go downhill by the day. I’ve been fighting it as the weeks went by, trying to focus my energies into loving this work I said yes to but honestly?

I’m seriously all out of love.

I quickly found out that just because I loved taking care of my daughter when she was a baby does not make me a good nanny. (I also forgot that I really did struggle that first year being so homebound because of naps and such.)  I realized this 2 weeks into my gig but I was too scared and ashamed to admit it. I wanted it to work. I liked having the extra cash. The baby was adorable and so easy to care for and my little girl doted on him.

But the silver lining just didn’t do it for me.

I hated feeling like a failure in my inability to juggle 2 children when so many moms pull it off with ease. But the worse part? Failing to be the mom I want to be for my daughter, which is why I decided to stay at home in the first place.

Maybe it’s the sudden change in our routine, the abrupt transition from 1 child to 2 children. Maybe it’s that I feel so much more limited with what I can do with my little girl (no more swim lessons together!) or maybe it’s that I don’t like having to pack bottles of breastmilk while out and about. Or maybe I am only capable of having one child ever,  being the perfectionist freak of nature that I am (which will be for another juicy post, I promise.)

Whatever.

I feel a bit traumatized. I seriously have second thoughts about adoption or becoming a foster parent or (gasp!) having another child. I truly honestly absolutely believe that it’s a divine gift to possess someone to take care of another little person (not their own) with ease and with love.

Suffice to say, I am not at all possessed with said gift.

And I think that perhaps, having a price tag I somehow attached to the work I do at home, and it being a real low one at that, further fueled the agony I endured daily since October. I used to support the idea of more affordable high quality care for children. But I’m sorry to say that I now believe that to be a joke. There is so much I could say about this, but I’m not ready to step on sensitive toes right now so I’ll leave it at that. This topic is so much more convoluted that I am prepared to dig into, but please.  The work of a stay-at-home-mom is nowhere near close to $9/hr. Nor for anyone who is going to take care and love on your little precious baby. It’s just downright insulting. (Sorry.)

Now I just have to say that we pull off living on one income and we are nowhere near rich. My husband works hard to provide for our family and we certainly are part of the 99%. Some days, it feels like we can’t afford to live just on my husband’s salary, being that we live in such an expensive city with a big fat mortgage hanging over our heads. But we make do. Shopping for fun is not often possible. I learned to cook! And many other sacrifices we gladly make everyday because we believe that it is best for my child to have me care for her in her young formative years.

I am not saying everyone should stay at home with their young children. It’s a personal decision. What I’m saying is that everyone has sacrifices to make and my sacrifice to stay at home does not come cheap.

So today, I quit my nanny job.

And I’m back to being just a stay-at-home mom.

Which is worth more than you could ever pay me for anything ever.

(P.S. I have about a couple more weeks actually to finish off and give the family I work for time to look for another nanny. I tremble at the thought of hitting publish but I have to. I know some of you are moms who work out of the home and this is in no way a judgment on you. This is only my experience and my very honest opinion. It’s complicated I know, and I have no solutions to offer whatsover. Just a perspective. The End.)

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